pain

To the Person Who Saved Me: I’m Sorry

Artwork by John Fenerov

I used to have you as a drug– dose of happiness to lighten up my dimmed soul.

You numbed my pain and soothed my insecurities. You helped me get through my rough days. While you chose me to be your first, I chose you because I was desperate. I chose you though my faith in love was long gone. Meeting the wrong people made me bone-weary.

You looked so pure and fresh– life had not maimed you yet.

You saw a nice side of me that I was never aware of. I loved your love for me.

I just wanted a shoulder to lean on and a heart to love me no matter what. You were never my deliberate option, so I apologise for not fitting on your big heart; I was too small to take up such an enormous space.

I did not know that it was my own shit to figure out. I didn’t know that I could be my own hero.

It was not your mess to clean up. I should have known that you needed your own life to be sane. You had a kind heart for never letting me down each and every time I wanted you beside me holding my back while fighting my beasts. People before you used to smell the smoke of my soul and never look back while leaving. Part of me still questions why when someone suffers, he/she needs a person to make it less lonely.

I just want to tell you that I wish you all the best. I hope that you have met a lover who reciprocated your love.

P.S. I still suffer from your withdrawal.

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#readersubmission by Radwa Abdel-Aziem

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