40 Things I Should Have Told My Lover Before They Left Me

Graphics by  Denise van Leeuwen

Graphics by Denise van Leeuwen

1. I will never forget the way you look at me. You look at me and I instantly want to believe in myself.
2. You were never really mine.
3.  You fucked up my talent at writing. My words are jumbled up and I can’t form sentences properly anymore. Don’t ask to see inside my head, because everything’s worse than what I choose to display.
4. I wanted you to fix me and never have I ever felt broken before I met you. Then I decided to sacrifice my
happiness and wanted to fix you instead; I wanted to make you feel happy with every molecule of my being. It eventually drove me insane.
4(pt.II). I want our atoms to fuse. I want to be made up of the same things as you.
5. Whenever I remotely come close to shutting my eyes, I see you; I see you everywhere, perhaps I even search for you. You scent lingers and I still itch to touch your skin. I hear your laugh in the distance, but you are never there. You are never here.
6. I like reminding myself I’m not exactly a robot, mostly because sometimes I feel nothing at all. it didn’t take me long to figure out that you make me feel more than anything I’ve ever experienced.
7. You’ve turned me into a foolish little girl. I should’ve never let you step into my life or expand myself into yours. I’m beyond recovery.
8. If I beg you to stay, even if it’s too late, would it make a difference?
9. Say you’re going to miss me, and mean it.
10. I’m a contradiction; I don’t want you to fix me. I will fix me. I am supposed to fix me.
11. I was perfectly fine with destroying myself in a way that eventually killed me, until you asked me to try and you fucking asked me to stop.
12. You stayed when no one else would.
13. I’ve gotten bad again and I’m too scared to ask for help.
14. There were days when I thought I was losing you and there were days when you made me believe that happened, but I wanted to be strong so I held on either way.
15. I’m always going to be begging you to stay. I’m not religious or a believer, but goddamn me, have I got the urge to pray.
16. You’re not going to remember me two years from now, are you?
17. You got bored of me too soon, or maybe it was long overdue. You got tired. I wouldn’t let go.
18. I imagine myself in car accidents. I imagine myself in deathly situations and your name is the last thing I always fucking mutter.
19. I’ve felt everything knowing you.
20. You have me under a spell and I want out before I get burnt.
21. Looks like you’ve already hurt me.
22. Maybe I hurt myself holding onto you.
23. I’m trying my best to erase these things I feel for you, but it hurts to imagine a life without you. It hurts to look at you, because you’re completely fine, whereas my heart is bleeding,
24. Is it wrong of me to put you before myself?
25. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. I want you to go away, just get out. Look at me; I’m mere bones and scarred flesh so just look at what I’ve done to myself, because you’re under my skin. Fuck, you should’ve never trusted me. I should’ve done the same.
26. You told me to cut toxic people out of my life. I don’t want to cut you loose, but it seems like you’ve made that decision for me. I don’t see you anymore.
27. You said you’d never leave. You said you’d always come back.
28. When I look at you, my eyes burn and I’m in pain. I enjoy it.
29. I don’t want you to ruin me.
30. You didn’t even fight for me. I have so much fight stored in my system for you. Should I keep it?
31. I hug you and I’m holding on; I’m holding on tightly. I claw at your back, not because I want to expose you, but because I want to take shelter inside of you.
32. My insides churn at the thought of you and her. Your lips are stained with another girl’s taste and my name is wiped off.
33. You’re cruel to be rubbing it in my face.
34. Why can’t I drain you out of my bloodstream?
35. Why are there still so many things I need to tell you?
36. I choke at the thought of you with someone else.
37. Please, please, please, don’t forget me.
38. I’ve never met anyone who could easily make me wanna die.
39. You fucked me up, did you know that?
40. You’re gone and I was too terrified to give this to you.

Submitted to ArtParasites by Yagmur