Photo by Sacha Goldberger

Dear Unrequited love, Thank you.

I finally got to the point where I can see that I have to let you go, or I’ll just end up destroying myself.

But even though I feel like I am losing someone I never had, I have to let you know all the things you taught me while I loved you from the distance, eagerly waiting that something would happen, that maybe, someday you might be able to see that I was the one to make you happy. But now, after I literally poured my heart in front of you, I am now ready to love myself, and put it right back it where it belongs.

Thank you for making me a dreamer. A daydreamer mostly, who smiled in the bus ride all alone imagining all of the possible scenarios of how you would realize you loved me too.

How we both were going to kiss passionately under the rain, we would have endless conversations, laugh eternally, and be happy.

I was going to be so happy because somehow I rescued you and you saved me too. And finally I was going to feel at peace because I knew I at least had you, not like it has been this whole time feeling like I’m trying to reach the unreachable. How I had to be so careful to not destroy what little we had. But anyway, you made me a wanderer, a soul that could escape at anytime so I could connect with you in some other world.

I am now a better artist. I can write ten times more than what I used to. I can find more ways to try to describe all of the things you made me feel in one minute. How I could be at the top of the world, for some stupid thing you said, and then in the blink of an eye a tear came down through my face because I had to face the truth. And this happened millions of times, I had to deal with the fact that you were never going to see me the way I saw you. It hurt so so bad, the problem was I didn’t want to get used to that idea.

Now I can dance more truthfully to my feelings, I can show passion in my movements, and I can create new stories within music just because of you. Everything I felt for you was so raw and childish maybe, and I am not a good speaker (I hope you know that) so, I found dancing my way to love you more, to hate you, to want you, and now, to let you go. You made me better at what I love doing. There will be always a piece of you in everything I do.

You made me a better listener to my inner world, more sensitive to myself, now I feel like everything gets to me, and even more when it has to do with you.

Every time I saw you wanting someone else, I could feel how the walls that kept my lungs together crumbled down and left me breathless. Hoping that you would rescue me, but fighting the pain of knowing that you won’t. I felt really empty, worthless because I had always been there for you and you were never really there for me. But that’s ok.

Because you also taught me that I could save myself, that I didn’t need you at all. How important it actually is to love myself first and know when to walk away. It took me two years to understand that but I am finally here, taking care of myself.

Sometimes when people are in love with someone they can’t have, there is something strangely enjoyable in the waiting, in the pain of holding on there is something to enjoy too. Because there is hope, because even if you know it will never happen, there is always the chance that it might. So it keeps you hanging. And you taught me what hope really is, you taught me to fly and detach myself from reality and in the end you taught me how to land to.

At first, every time I had to come back to reality I just crushed against the earth, leaving me wounds that will leave scars forever. But today, I could land softly, gently surrendering to what my eyes saw but my heart didn’t believe, and my mind knew was true.

And finally, you taught me how to treasure moments and remember. Oh boy, I do remember everything you said, did and move when I was with you. You were my first kiss and my first drunken kiss in fact. And you’ll forever be my first kiss boy and as much as it hurts, I am happy it was you and no one else. Because I thought you were worthy to my lips, and all what I have to give to you. Maybe I am just happy that I now have a reason to keep you inside of me, in the deep ocean of memories a woman holds forever. Now you are there.

And even if it is tearing me apart to let you go, now I know how to fix myself, how to heal, and I know it won’t be easy, or quick. This phrase truly shows how I feel about letting you go, how it is to me saying goodbye to someone who was mine for a few drunk minutes.

I hope that one day, I’ll find someone who loves me as much as I loved you.

—

Written by Laura Sofía Monroy

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Painting by Catrin Walz Stein

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