Artwork by Hala Kasdan

Yes
Yes I am happy
There are days when I wallow in my lonely
I stare blankly at a book willing myself to read the words
Escape to a world where I’m not lonely

I tried to fill my lonely with you
At first it worked
But every day we spent together
I drifted
Until I found myself looking at you as if from a distance
You were raging about something that I thought wouldn’t matter by tomorrow
I tried to care
I tried to at least look like I was paying attention
Nod
Go to put my hand on your leg in sympathy
Take it back quickly because I remember how you don’t like to be touched
I always listen to you fight with yourself
I hear you yell at me
But I give no fight
You fight with yourself a lot
Oh right
Paying attention
Warm smile here
Nod
Talk calmly
Quietly
So not to spook you
Let you wear yourself out
Crawl into bed with you
Going for big spoon
You jerk my arm off your side
I can hear you crying
I roll over to face the wall
Every night
My lonely takes a hold of me
It’s interesting
You are physically beside me
But I feel no less lonely
I try to tell you I’m not happy
I try to tell you I’m afraid
Of you
Of being lonely with you

When I could just be lonely on my own
And happy.
—

Poem by Becky Joy

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