lust

REASONS WHY I WANT TO HAVE A THREESOME (AND REASONS WHY YOU SHOULDN’T JUDGE) – Part II

Photography by  Tyler Shields

Photography by Tyler Shields

It’s 3 in the morning. I’m sleeping next to him but I can’t quite, you know, sleep. The air is breezy and I think about the meaning of life, the meaning of love, and basically, how the fuck did I end up here.

He moves in his sleep and hangs his arm around my waist. I sigh. I can’t get this one out of my mind. I turned off my phone. Jeremy and I have been sexting. For the evening. While I’m still so aroused by my boyfriend’s touch, when he reaches for me in his sleep, when I look at him early in the mornings, packing his things and leaving to the studio, when he glances at me across the room when I change my dress – I am intoxicated with Jeremy.

When he tells me he wants me I melt in my chair. Yesterday, at the gym, I was sweating my pants off doing squats and all I could think about was Him. Dinner with my best friend, Monica, and her girlfriend, and in between two Moscow Mules and Monica’s fried fish, I blurt:

“I want to fuck this guy, Jeremy”.

“Jeremy, who?”, she asks, with a touch of her tongue on who.

Photography by Elena Helfrecht

Photography by Elena Helfrecht

I have to recalculate my story. I tell Monica about Jeremy, our slow burning encounter in Germany, my biased reaction to falling for a new guy after so many years, my guilt trips towards Adam. Monica’s partner, Justine, keeps on sipping her Chai Latte and says nothing. I feel tacky already, I feel like Charlotte from Sex and The City when she started quoting Samantha.

“You have to so NOT tell Adam”.

Monica and Justine are together for two years. Monica was married to this guy Alex before, so then in some weird twisted divorce-like middle age crisis, she decided she want to try out the other side. So she started dating Justine after they met on this dating website for lesbians.

“I want to tell Adam, he’s like, almost my husband”.

“Listen, you are obviously almost married, and this guy of yours is not getting younger. If you want to have fun, have fun, but he might not take it well, considering, you know, his receding hair line and all those hours spent away from home”.

I take one last sip and I ponder. Justine doesn’t sympathize with me at all and I’m too tired to explain her that I’m not trying to have a double life, but to find a meaningful way to, well, have both these men in my life with their consent. Then there’s my phone screaming with five new Snapchat texts from Jeremy, wondering how I’ve been, what I’m wearing tonight, if I can go to the restroom and sext him a picture of my bra, whether I like it or not when he shoves his hands down my bikini. I’m confused. I feel like a teenager again. But I do, I still love Adam. I think I love both.

Photography by Tyler Shields

Photography by Tyler Shields

I’m still in bed now, I still can’t sleep. I slowly remove his arm from my sleeping gown. I get up. The air is breezy and I think about the meaning of life, the meaning of love and Jeremy. In the living room I light a cigarette and blow the smoke far away into the air. It’s been quite a lot for me lately.

Maybe Adam just needs to know. Jeremy’s coming to meet me soon.

I’m gonna tell him.

But first I’m gonna see my therapist.

First part here

Amanda Grace is a personal stylist travelling in and out of Los Angeles.