This episode was also linked to the end of a 17 years friendship with my closest friend from childhood, who considered my state was inappropriate for our relationship to continue.
This situation – emotional pain from love coupled with a friendship breakup – has rolled into my life all years upcoming, usually repeating itself without warning.
Following my break up to my now 3 years boyfriend, I jumped into a relationship with a charming man I met online. That began serendipity like and eventually brought comfort and security and fulfillment for a short period of time. Since it continued wonderfully, the plan was to live together at some point. Which we did, but the relationship turned messy at rates comparable to deep emotional violence, especially after we decided to get married. In a strange way, the times when I should’ve felt happy and calm with normal conditions in my life, I grew more and more anxious and anguish stepped back into my life. I couldn’t control it and didn’t know what it was and why it was upon me.
Later, in an interview with Lars von Trier after the film Melancholia screened, I learned that people suffering from depression are more prone to act rational and determined under outside stress and are eager to cope with helping others in distress, unlike “normal” people who tend to be paralized by fear or have less tact in messy situations. I identified my condition with that deeply and I still do because it works like this for me.
As my marriage degraded over passing years I suffered from extreme emotional pain, impossibility to move on, a shaded view over other relationships I tried to have in the breaks and started therapy. During gaps of breakups with my husband I found often motivation to move on and capacity to work more than usual. I am an engineer and that takes precaution. But it was so hard to focus. We divorced and I thought things would get better. They didn’t. We kept emailing and calling each other for a long time. I even wonder now, was I truly obsessed with his violent nature, was I attracted to that pain, to hurting myself?
In the late winter of 2011, after failing a relationship with a man because of constantly and obsessively missing my ex husband, I ended up in hospital with major complication from antibiotics. As I lay on the hospital bed, with a perfusion in my arm, I started to cry uncontrollably and wished for nothing else than solace coming from that needle with serum. I wanted for the first time to stop, to discharge from the world and be gone forever. Then I recovered and stopped contact for a longer time with my ex husband.
I stopped therapy in the same period, as I was progressively feeling better. In the spring of 2012 I had multiple love encounters that mostly didn’t work out. But my ex husband was now having an affair with another woman and I was so jealous and confused about my life. At the end of may however I met a man who at first I didn’t fall in love with but who attracted me a lot through what he was like. While this liaison began, my ex was back and wanting to reconcile and dump his new girl. It was heartbreaking and tormenting but I kept firm with my decision to stick with the new man. We stopped contact eventually and during this time I began to get more and more attached to my new relationship and gained faith it is right finally. Unfortunately, I was missing my ex. I did not try to contact him like before but I began feeling depressed again.
Times of happiness mixed with times of great depression. There were days when I wished to be back with my ex and days when I wanted to be by this new man’s side because, for a couple of months, he gave me everything I needed love wise. With him I felt safe and protected and I couldn’t believe it was true and happening TO ME. However, the fall brought a new wave of depression, this time more severe than ever before, combined with an identity crisis towards future career prospects, life prospects and the insecurity of being in love or not.I would talk about it all the time, all day. Sometimes I’d feel better, but mostly useless and a burden to everyone. I began feeling extreme jealousy and envy towards a good friend who was enjoying her first startup in business and eventually confessed my feelings. The friendship was broken and affected my ability to act normal in most of my relationship(s). By this time, my partner was feeling distressed and began to detach himself from the relationship. It grew worse and in December we broke up due to different opinions and perspectives.
We never got back together, although for a couple of months we exchanged frustrated messages and met twice to sleep together. He has a new relationship now and before this expressed his wish to not continue with me any more as he was not feeling the same feelings.
I met no one new after this breakup and I still think of him every single day. While at first it felt easier to forget, with time and finding news about his new girlfriend, I found it nearly impossible to cope with the pain. I miss him deeply and hate myself for not being good enough while I was there to make the relationship work wonderfully as it started.
I am terrified with how I feel because although it gets harder and harder with age, I am afraid to treat it with medication as I fear it will affect me or make me dependent. I am scared because I am growing older and I long for love and comfort and I want so bad to have a good relationship with a man and have a child. I trust myself less and less although on different levels I got to know my disease better and better and understand why some things happen with my brain.
But I don’t know how to fight it anymore. If I knew, I would be maybe rich now and famous for discovering the cure that saves to many lives. I think of putting a revolver at my head and shooting every single day when I feel like this.
My therapist and also close people told me I am too focused on my inner self and I need to focus on outside things to feel better. I tried but it’s like a huge burden every day. I feel loneliness as infinite pain because not even friends or family can fully understand what I go through and try to make me feel better by minimizing the problem or denying it.
I am scared because I WANT TO LIVE. I want to feel like a normal person and get out of this horrible circle. I want to learn how to let go of my past and of emotional damage. I want to feel clean again. I wish I had problems that are not so hard for me to handle because I KNOW my life would get better if I grew self confidence and dropped fears. I want to be able to attract a man who is good for me and love him. I want to make a family, my own family and I fear this won’t happen because my disease is ruining everything. How does everyone else make it out alive?
Anonymously submitted to ArtParasites.com