pain

EVERYONE WHO DOESN’T SUFFER FROM ANXIETY, BE GENTLE TO THOSE OF US WHO DO. HERE’S WHY:

Photography by Melvin Sokolsky

 

You find yourself bound to your bed in fetal position,
Restless and awake every night when insomnia grasps your being.
Letting your vacant gaze drift into the void,
You become aware of your non existent body,
The concept of time is an illusion.
You lose sense of reality, because really… What is reality?
Crippled by my curiosity,
I now willfully raise my diaphragm, forcing myself to breathe.
It always feels like you’re suffocating as your heart pumps harder and harder in attempt to keep you alive.
As I inhale the world through the waves of the ocean, I am now every human being that ever existed, every human being that ever will.
Their blood stretches out through my veins reaching the tips of my fingers, the tips of my toes.
Seems like some people are infected with tragedy the moment they open their eyes.
You’re so anxious about every aspect of this myth called “life”
You’ve got this love-hate relationship with the world because you find the concept of entropy endlessly fascinating, yet depressing as you become aware of how every atom is subjected to change, everything is slowly dying and you can’t do anything to reverse that.
Sometimes you live and die in your own mind, by your own cognition.
Your thoughts materialize,
You look like an acrobat tangled in a cluster of silk ropes struggling to escape.
These bounds,
They look so beautiful and delicate, yet feel like unbreakable chains.
These irrational and endless worries lead to more ropes confining you with every blink of an eye.
Feels like you’re stuck,
You’ve detached from the world physically, but you are mentally associated to every essence of silence and chaos.
Imagine every cell in your body deteriorating because of the nervous tension.
This pressure caused by feeling the universe around you too deeply, or too little.
I’m either considered an emotional person,
Or a numb asshole…
There is no in between, it’s a scale with two options.
You either paralyze yourself with uncontrollable emotions,
Or freeze your body, your facial expressions, your hand-eye coordination and just sit still till it’s over.
Imagine how uncontrollable worries can be.
At every given moment you’re thinking about world issues, you’re also thinking about your countries issues, your current issues, worries about college, worries about your performance, worries about people’s perception of you, worries about people’s misunderstandings towards you, worried about yourself, your cloudy mind… Worried about… About a million things all at once!
My father has always said “You have too many minds, all at once.”
I’m not exaggerating,
It’s hectic…
To be tangled,
To be restricted,
To be hindered.
Occasionally your heart rate rises, your intake of oxygen never seems as sufficient.
Intermittently, your mind shuts down, your intake of thoughts has exceeded it’s limit.
Meditation no longer works,
Communicating with the people around you is so damn hard,
Medication is not an option,
You’re stuck in this loop of destruction.
Your mind is silently erupting,
Your physical appearance remains neutral,
A wooden sculpture incapable of expressing distress.
No strings attached to this puppet,
Yet enslaved by its own invisible chains.

—

Sumer Ziady

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