As I’ve turned 19 this year, being in the final lap of my teenager years, I decided to look back and remember how much my life had completely transformed me into a different person. These are some of the things that I learned over the years:
To 12 year old me,
When you’re on the brink of entering this teenager swirl of years, you have no idea what it is going to do to you, you’re not even in that level of overthinking process like you will be when you’re 19, but it’s okay. I know I should probably warn you about how things are going to spin so out of control that you won’t even be able to see the ground you stand on but this is to let you know, whatever that will happen, let it happen. It’s going to hurt so much, more than the physical pain you’re used to, but in the long run, when you’ll look back at this, you’ll be glad. Brace yourself. Your world is about to change.
To 13 year old me,
After receiving the first betrayal from your best friends, for the first time in your life, you realize that not all stories are happy endings, not everyone you meet wants your happiness, not everyone will stand by you. By the time you’ll realize this, subconsciously, you’ve turned yourself into a callous person. Just so cold that you’ll be scared of yourself. You received the bitter end of things, and you gave back more hatred than was necessary. You lost the ability to forgive people wholeheartedly. I’m so sorry for that. Don’t underestimate the deep sadness that this will build in your heart. This abyss will only get deeper as years go by. But as reassurance, you will find someone who will still love you and care for you, even when you’re the worst version of yourself. But warning, don’t make this person the center of your universe. Everybody will leave you, except you.
To the 14 and 15 year old me,
This is probably the time when I must console you the most. ’cause nobody did. Nobody even noticed you were drowning. Thank you for getting out of bed and going to school. Thank you for smiling and laughing. Thank you for trying to make the best out of the worst situation. Thank you for making me who I am today. You made me kind and honestly, the unconventional sadness that never seemed to go away, seemed a little better.
To 16 year old me,
This year you’ll make one of the biggest decisions of your life. I know you had been thinking of escaping the prison you were trapped in for years, but this year, you’ll escape.
The chances you yearn for, arrive at just the right time, even if they don’t come when you need them the most. I suggest you to take them.
Run, run, run.
Run far away from this place that only makes you miserable, away from these people that just know how to make you feel bad, how they never get tired of just taking and taking and taking until you’re nothing but a sponge of sadness, waiting for them to let you take all their petty grief in and sucking every small happiness that comes your way because they don’t get it, and pretend to not see how pitiful things are around them.
I know how scared you are, doubting every thought that comes in your head, feeling unimaginable guilt for leaving your lifelong friends, but I suggest you to still go through with it. It will be for the best. Thank you for trusting yourself in impossible circumstances.
I promise it’ll be worth it. You’ll meet such wonderful people that will lift you to a place that you never knew you could see yourself in. They’ll give you a place in their hearts and souls, they’ll hold your hand when you’re walking alone, they’ll sing birthday songs for you and send you jokes in the middle of the night. You’ll plan a future that has them as a vital part of your life. But you’ll eventually leave them ’cause you’re so afraid that they’re going to do that. It’s okay. This is who you are. They will gravitate back to you or you to them ’cause good things never end if they die.
To 17 and 18 year old me,
Things seldom go like you think they should go, and despite knowing this, thank you for still hoping that things might turn out to be better. Even if they don’t. You still can’t forgive people, you’re so angry at everything that makes you sad, you’re scared by the future, haunted by the what ifs, what could’ve been(s), what should’ve been(s).
The more I think about it, the more I notice that I’m not one of those tragedies that don’t live their dreams or the ones who don’t have the courage to follow them, I’m one the worst tragedies that don’t know what they should dream about. It’s okay to not have dreams, don’t pressure yourself to chase something you don’t know you want, you have a lifetime to do what you want. It’s okay to follow things you don’t know will lead you to what you desire or not. Nothing is life ever wasted. Please, once more thing, Please remember that it’s not a weakness to show the deepest depth of your love for someone, I read somewhere that we should love other people so radically that they wonder why.
Love yourself so radically that you wonder why. It’s okay. You can forgive yourself or you can blame yourself, do anything that gives you a peace of mind.
Just know that, once you attain that peace, never let it go. Never, ever, ever let it go.
Submitted to ArtParasites by Oshin Ahlawat