pain

You Hurt Me But It Made Me Stronger

Photo by Chadwick Tyler, model: Jana Knauerova

Photo by Chadwick Tyler, model: Jana Knauerova

I expected more from you; that is why I’m so disappointed. I put everything into trusting you from day one. It took everything I had to tear down the sky-high walls I built from past experiences – now you’re just another one of them.

I loved you unconditionally. You were the first person I ever opened up to without any hesitation. For you to teach me to regret this decision just reinforces my “trust issues,” which are the reason you wanted to leave, right?

But I’ve thought about it and I don’t regret meeting you. I don’t regret sharing myself or staying. The only thing I feel bad about is the time I could’ve spent built something with someone else, something that could actually last.

Yes, I admit; I had a day. It was a fucking bad day and I needed you to push things aside and comfort me, like I always did for you. I don’t think that’s selfish of me, you were the only person I wanted to talk to.

Instead, you ignored me. I’m not ungrateful, but this time I really needed you and you weren’t there. I might have been cold, but my intentions were to stop myself from saying something I’d end up having to apologize for. So let me tell you this: I still appreciate everything.

I’ve been angry, sad and emotional, but I try to remember the good things about you instead of just the day we lost it all. I’m not perfect. I’m trying to better myself, I’m growing, and I want to thank you for being part of that process, you have helped.

Aside from that day, you are a great, genuine, loving person and I can only hope to meet more people like you in the future, because that’s what I really need in my life.

I hate the fact that we left so much unsaid, and that you decided to walk away, without an explanation or a second thought. You left like I meant absolutely nothing to you, but I have given myself permission to forgive you for what you never apologized for. I need to recover from this, I need to be okay again, I need to be myself again.

I’ve waited for you to come back and realize what a mistake you made. I wanted you to fight for me; I wanted you to prove all my theories wrong. I wanted to be able to listen to sad songs without relating to them and I wanted to read all these articles about demolished friendships and wonder what the hell they’re talking about. I wanted the world to be good again with you in it. Instead, I stayed in bed for weeks.

I did nothing but cry all day and then I cried some more about how I let myself get so attached that my world fell apart when one person walked out. I still feel the warm tears coming to my eyes whenever I reread old conversations, it was so obvious how happy I was. But I don’t look at those anymore.

Here’s what I learned: people will leave and you’ll survive. I survived days when I didn’t want to even be alive. You’re going to hate this, but people you love the most are going to cause you the most hurt, it’s a fact. Forgive them when they do, even if you don’t get to see them or talk to them anymore, do it for you. You also shouldn’t wait on people to come back to claim you. They should’ve never left in the first place.

Now here’s what I didn’t want to admit to but eventually did, you had the right to leave. Everyone does I guess. The most important thing to me was that you were happy, and if you weren’t happy in my presence, then I’m hope you are now. I believe in people doing what makes them happy. Our time together, however short, I will always look back on with a smile on my face because at that time in my life you truly did make me glow. The things you have taught me, the memories, the inside jokes, I’ll never forget you.

I’m sorry I wasn’t what you wanted, but moreover I’m sorry you didn’t know how to love someone like me.

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Written by Reem Alaa