Illustration by Judith Van Der Hoek

This is not an X rated text, yet it’s sprinkled with so many double-entendres it should feel like it’s speaking in tongues. It’s the story of how I never met this girl I have had a huge online crush on for a couple of years, yet recently, completely out of the Facebook blue, we’ve been exchanging messages like bodily fluids. She told me she has a thing for impossible or missed connections. I told her I have a thing for her and just cannot keep it tucked inside my pants little heart anymore.

Life is good like that, sprinkled with a pinch of kink. We have entered into what people refer to as a long distance relationship, we’re online dating and confiding in each other. The distance between us is about 1300 km, an 18 hour drive, or an hour and a half flight to match. We talk about this and that. Every now and then we indulge in lust-driven dialogue best described as horny literature.

Yes, it’s complicated.

Texting a girl online to win her heart and mindover is great for touching first base. You should be fine just being yourself. However, sexting a girl online takes a bit of practice, one should be well versed in the art of amorous writing, it calls for a sleight of hand that almost feels like magic. It’s modern erotica, after all. Magic fingers can cast a spell like no other.

What may thrill you about a no holds barred dialogue with a sweet talker is the cadence, the musicality, the vivid imagery of their mastery in textual intercourse. It may arouse your imagination, you may want to unbutton your shirt for a comfy selfie or rated video, you may want to write back yearning for more. Yes, you would, yes, you should. You may quite come off as easy, peaches, but sexting is the buzz around town and it’s pulsating.

Take it slow. Enjoy it. Long for it. Go for it. It’s love at your fingertips. It will give you the yips, it will set your fingers on fire, but you’ll love it, every last letter of it. Submit to your tranquil self, darling, we’re just getting started. What you would need are some pointers to get it up and running gently.

First, get in tip top shape with the castanets (the keyboard) and practice a smooth striptease routine. Strip your words bare of double meaning and mean what you say thoroughly. May sound paradoxical (sexting is best played with double talk) yet sincerity goes so much deeper than a witty intimation. However, if you know how to compliment her tooshie, maybe you’ll get to see it to save the view for posterity.

Practice role-play. It’s Sextbook 101. Horny literature is written with characters in mind, a good plot, intrigue, body, climax, and solace, the heartwarming cuddle.

Hold back on vulgar words. Put them on a leash, muffle them, restrain them, you’ll find it’s much more exciting to write beautifully for your pen pal’s pleasure. Words are eye candy. They will keep a lover exactly where you want them, on their toes. Sexy words will freely present themselves if you setup the mood right so mind your manners.

Put aside the subject matter for a moment, forget about what you already know about sexual intercourse. You are not quite having sex, just fantasizing about it. Think of it as a prelude for things to come. Move in rocking motion, in rhythm with each other’s words. Go slower, faster, deeper, spring your heart free. Take a big load off your chest and onto your lover’s, as it comes. Foreplay should always be unrushed, savored to the utmost. The ball is in your court. Be a team player.

Illustration by Lucy Salgado

You don’t need fancy wordplay and semiotics to get your point across. Go for simple metaphors, maybe read an erotic novel for best practices. Language is most evocative when you write your words concisely, with no abbreviations or excessive emojis.

Develop a training routine for your pen pal. It does not have to be lewd or anything, but it should be titillating. Maybe host a secret erotica Tumblr account for your lover’s viewing pleasure. Send a ‘longhand’ letter in the e-mail with guidelines on your fetishes. Some may prefer a ‘shorthand’ connection via SMS, with intense, impulsive requests. Make sure everything you write is consensual. Do ask for confirmation on the matter, it will save you a world of embarrassment and rejection. Most of all, refrain from exposing your crown jewels on your first interactions, especially if the images are unsolicited.

The couple that plays together stays together

To give love a whirl at first innuendo has always crossed my mind when I flirt. After all, everyone is in to find their love. This time it actually happened, my lover’s charms have me mesmerized, it’s usually the other way around. You may find it most-rewarding to give more than you receive. I tried to get close to my new special someone and get under their skin. I carefully followed the tips you have just read and had the best time doing it. No pressure, no need for instant gratification, no obscenities, just casual texting and sexting which will eventually lead to sexing if I play my cards right.

I think you find love in all the right places, at the right time. It’s waiting for you to arrive. No matter the distance between, it will get together with you.

You just have to ask for it. And buy a plane ticket.

—

Andrei Nico is one hunk of a guy in love with literature and all things beautiful, like this girl he hasn’t met yet, but is really and pasionately looking forward to. With all his heart..

Read our exclusive Artletter

Painting by Catrin Walz Stein

Subscribe to receive the most awe-inspiring stories from ArtParasites, only available by ArtLetter.

Be the first to write a comment.