pain

Why Being In Love With Some People Is Like Being In A War With Oneself

Photography by  Natalia Evelyn Bencicova

Photography by Natalia Evelyn Bencicova

It’s really hard to be with someone who is not vocal. Or states to be so.

The hardest part is reading him not because it’s essential to read someone but because he’s erratic and uncertain.

He left me twice. Lied thrice in one go never flinching. After promising to never hide anything from me, hid something that nearly broke me and drove me over the edge of all assumptions. And then broke a vow he made himself. To never leave, to tell one another first when something changes. Before he could even leave I felt like I didn’t matter. And it wasn’t just my head. It was his actions. From not even trying to understand what I was going through to not talking to me properly.

I was okay with his concerns about losing his best friend but I was not okay with him not being concerned about me. It took a break for him to finally show concern. I’d do anything to make things better for him. I pray and hope and wish he gets more success than he can ever imagine. But he thought one phone call at night meant I was coming in between him and his goal.

It wasn’t his fault that I begged him to stay and not hang up. To not leave me. But it did take a hit on me.

He said “now that I’ve won over my girlfriend I’ve to win over my best friend.” I was the one begging. There are things I’m not comfortable with and I’ve seen it but I can’t say much cause it sounds like an accusation when it’s information, ones he needs to know in order to understand my headspace about the matter. I’m no longer so insecure about the matter. Just unhappy. I don’t want to be equally important or share the same space with someone else in his life.

So many years in this amazing relationship with the most magical person and I keep going back and forth about how he feels about me or how important I am to him.

I’ve started questioning myself for feeling so. Is it my fault that I feel so? Maybe I don’t love myself enough so I keep questioning his love. I don’t want to ask in order to be reminded I’m loved or missed. I don’t want to feel like an option or a second choice. I want him to need me like I need him. I don’t want to be a part of some pyramid. I need my love to have certain exclusivity to it. Love is a romantic, almost an utopian concept for me.

And I don’t know if I can achieve that with him. Or anyone for that matter cause I think I’ve used all my happy/efforts. If this isn’t it then love isn’t for me at all.

Anonymously submitted to ArtParasites