love

What I Learned From Dating a Sex Therapist: Love, Intimacy, Honesty and Solace

A Dangerous Method, Dir. David Cronenberg

A Dangerous Method, Dir. David Cronenberg

Love, even if it lasts one day or five years, it is still love. This is what the sex therapist told me. He said: look me in the eye, what’s the matter with you, you are such a beautiful woman, why are you alone for so long. Wait a little, I want to know you better. Do you trust me? and shook my hand. I laugh and I say: now it’s the psychologist talking. Can you really separate them, your professional life and your personal life? Can you disconnect your brain from your patients?

Are we going to have a date or you will treat me like one of your patients?

I felt a bit uncomfortable as if he could see through all my protective layers, but he also triggered a desire of affection inside me. A warm heart calls for a warm heart.

A Dangerous Method, Dir. David Cronenberg

A Dangerous Method, Dir. David Cronenberg

He said: I treat borderline, anxiety, depression, everything. And sex issues. Sex is very important, I believe in Freud’s theory, he went on speaking. I like Jung, it is a matter of psychological profile, I think. I like Jung because he allows a little space space for the unknown and spirituality. Sex is very important, indeed, but it is not everything, although there are times in the life a person when it completely dominates the behavior of a person.

I still don’t know if erotica works on the rules of similarity or of difference, but I am very stubborn about investigating this matter. Erotic issues are very important because they actually reflect the desire of people to connect to each other. And when I say erotic, I don’t mean only sex, but all the other aspects of human interactions. Erotic issues are one of the biggest causes of prolonged pain. I deeply understand people’s need for solace and relief from all their suffering, but there is no magic trick that can bring us instant gratification. This is why it is good to filter through our own thinking process everything that happens in this journey in quest for solace. Cause my solace might be different from yours.

You like Freud, I like Jung. You are a man, I am woman. You Tarzan, me Jane. It should work.

 

If I sleep with you or if I show you my innermost vulnerability, take it as a present. I am offering myself to you. Just be gentle and kind, I don’t expect anything else. I don’t understand those people who judge a woman for allowing the possibility of reaching a certain intimacy level from the early phases of a relationship. They call her a slut while looking from the outside, they judge and invoke the highest levels of morality, while having their minds filled with all kinds of dirty thoughts. You know what my problem is, dear sex therapist, I can see so well through people’s intention, I feel the complexity of their emotions and I am able to spot the contradictions in their speech. We are all good and bad at the same time and I know that the more judgemental and vocal is our conscious attitude, the more instinctual our hidden side is. Relax, take it is. Be gentle. Be kind. Make love. And learn how to receive a present that someone gives you. And only then, our hearts will be able to communicate.

A Dangerous Method, Dir. David Cronenberg

A Dangerous Method, Dir. David Cronenberg

Intimacy means walking naked around the house without being fully aware that you are naked. Intimacy means receiving random kisses on my forehead or on my wrists. Intimacy means having the tip of my hair wet while lying in the bathtub together and you holding my legs so that we reach that delicate equilibrium that only people who dance on slippery surface together can reach. Intimacy means meeting your smile and your lustful gaze in the living room mirror. Intimacy also means the promise your body makes to me, that you won’t hurt me and you will want to protect this vulnerability of mine because you find it beautiful, not silly. I can be so naïve at times, but this naivety of mine is the same trait that hinders me from becoming bitter. I can be so untrustful at other  times, but this trait of mine is what hinders me from spreading around my emotional energy up to exhaustion. You see, my dear sex therapist, I am a complex person. Like all of us. I need love. Like all of us.

Intimacy also means being completely honest about your desires and intentions. And I can see all the kinky scenarios passing through your mind while reading this sentence. Intimacy is like the sweetest taste you find hidden deep inside a fruit. But before we reach that level of intimacy, tell me about you. Tell me who you are, my dear sex therapist. Tell me what life means to you, tell me your fantasies, while gently pulling my hair. Talk to me, my dear sex therapist cause I am a conversation animal and we are granted tongues to speak and lick each other’s fears like two cats pampering each other.

Tell me, my dear sex therapist, do you have a girlfriend? There are moments in our life when time stops for a second, we freeze and allow the sadness of past and future moments to invade us. Answers and questions that we already heard. Loneliness that we clearly foresee at a point in the future. That incredible sadness of things that already happened and we cannot change anymore. That incredible sadness of things to come that we cannot control. People hurting each other in a never ending weakness chain. Do you have a girlfriend? I do. So let us speak a little about cheating. And about sweet lies we all tell to protect the others. And about what’s fair or not.

A Dangerous Method, Dir. David Cronenberg

A Dangerous Method, Dir. David Cronenberg

So we discuss whether people are polygamous by nature or not. It could be cause we all experienced attraction to another person while being in a relationship. If we put that attraction into practice, this is a totally different topic. There are many types of cheating, meaning being dishonest to a partner. But maybe the one that hurts us the most is the emotional infidelity. Because the full palette of emotions we experience includes pain. And being dishonest leads to emotional isolation and a sort of emotional war that happens inside ourselves. If you want to become polygamous, I find it fair enough, just make sure, you send a notice to all the people involved.

I wonder if people prefer to be lied to and go on living in their bubble or they rather hear the truth, no matter how that painful might be.

I will let you guess how my encounter with the sex therapist ended or maybe I will tell you another story about this some day. In Romanian, we have a saying: don’t do what the priest does, but what the priest says. Priests, therapists, artists, we are all human indeed, with a lustful nature and a sparkle of divinity glowing every now and then. My solace might be different from yourself, so filter everything through your own thinking and feeling system. Don’t expect anyone to illuminate you, but yourself . Trust yourself, be gentle and kind to your whole being and keep your heart open and honest enough to be able to learn from every experience. Much love from Doctor Heart, the woman who once dated a sex therapist.

Laura Livia Grigore is a poet, painter and psychology enthusiast, with a background in space engineering. She likes to experiment with various mediums and types of writing. Her artwork is orientated on emotions, reflecting her opinion that most of the answers we need can be found inside ourselves, although the hardest thing to do is to be sincere with oneself.

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