It was Saturday afternoon when thoughts of you came over me again. Whenever I think about you, I always try my best to avoid it. Why? Because I know that it will consume me again and the next thing I know is that anxiety and emptiness will constantly hit me up with no assurance when will it end.
It was hard for me to accept things though I always keep in mind that everything happens for a reason. Ever since I met you, my definition of happiness changed. From the usual teenager going out with friends and doing stupid things together to a girl, not actually a Princess spending her time with his Prince Charming. Ever since I was a kid, I was a fan of fairytales and I always consider myself as a Princess. You came into my life in the most unexpected time. I never thought that a warlock or a male witch who used to bully me in grade school would be my knight in shining armor in high school.
The start will always be good. This is where a simple good morning text from you already completes my day. We spend most of our nights together jogging around Ayala Triangle or cheating our diet to Chicboy’s liempo and torones. Everything was so magical even before you told me you like me. Definitely just enjoying each other’s company and nothing but pure bliss. Then you said you love me.
I didn’t say I love you too right away, instead I made you say it again by asking you what did you say. We looked into each other’s eyes and with conviction you said I love you for the second time. And from that moment, I told myself that I will entrust you my heart and I will love you from that day on. We hugged each other for the longest time, as if we didn’t want to let go. Your arms wrapped around me made me feel safe and secured. You made me feel home.
4 years. We were so comfortable with each other, we knew each other to the very core. My family likes you, they treated you as if you are already a part of the family. We talked about our future like what do we want to do right after college. Our plans of travelling together, especially you bringing me to Japan because you know how much I wanted to go there. Our plans of getting married after 8 years of being together and making our very own family with just two kids. Deciding whether to live in a condo or a real house. And lastly, we shared of how big our dreams are for ourselves. All my life, I am trained to plan ahead. I am particular with my timeline. But you, on the other hand, hate planning. You are the type of person who is very relax, go with the flow and hates planning the future because you told me that you believe that it is better when life surprises you with this-and-that rather than being disappointed because the outcome is different from the set expectations.
As they say, nothing in this world is permanent except change. And so things changed unexpectedly. While I am so focused on planning my future with you, you are so busy creating your future just for yourself. From our love making us feel like on top of the world to a downhill. You chose your friends over me and it made me sad because I am willing to choose you over anyone. I would rather spend my day with you driving around because I know how excited you are with cars, discovering new restaurants and trying out different meals because we both love eating or simply spending the entire day in your house being lazy and doing nothing. I wanted to be your priority because you are my priority, but I can’t fight for that position in your life. I can’t force you to do the same things I am willing to do for you. You ended up spending almost every night with your friends and going home at 3 o’clock in the morning which made me so worried of you. I am worried in a sense that you lack sleep and I don’t want you to get sick and I don’t want you to be absent nor late at your morning classes. You didn’t understand that. It tore me apart, I felt lesser and lesser, doubts are starting to get in, I am in dire need of your assurance, I am slowly getting tired but I always remind myself that this is just a phase, an obstacle that we will both overcome and make through. But we didn’t.
You left me. I am broken and shattered into million pieces. I don’t know what to do and all I know is that I can’t do it on my own and I need you. No words can describe the pain that I have felt. I can’t eat because of the continuous disappointment that I am feeling. I kept crying myself to sleep. I don’t want to go out and socialize with anyone. I wish to evaporate so that I will no longer have to endure the pain that is eating my whole system. The person who I chose making memories with is just another memory. And everytime I remember how you left me, I can still feel the hurt.
Yes, up to this day, I am still hurting. But not like the first few months that I didn’t want to wake up the next day. Hurting in a sense that there are days that I miss you and you are the person I would like to share how my day went. Hurting of the thought that the person that I am not willing to give up, gave up on me. Hurting because the person that I loved the most is just somebody that I used to know, you are totally a different person now. Hurting to see how easy for you to let go and forget the things that means the world to me. And hurting because of the trauma and the fear to love and trust someone again.
They always ask me if I am mad at you for leaving me soon, the answer will consistently be “nope, I am not mad at him”. Instead I am thankful. Thankful because you made me realize that there is more to life than our love story. You pushed me away to remind me that I deserve more and to never settle for anything making me feel less. You made me feel like a failure for me to appreciate and be more intimate with my family and friends. You rejected me so greater things will have their way in me because I already settled for you. You made me feel empty so I can be refreshed and be filled with love all over again.
I spent ¼ of my life trying to become the right person for you. But life has its own way of teaching us and sometimes it has to be dealt with pain. After all that I’ve been through and will still go through, I put my trust in God knowing that His plans are always better than mine. God gave me 4 wonderful years of spending it with you and I will always be thankful for it. Even though He took you away from me, I know that He is preparing me for something better and there are greater things in stored for me.
You will always be a chapter that I will never get tired of reading again, not because I can’t get over you but because I have learned so many lessons from you and you will always be a reminder that I have to go through certain chapters to understand and fully appreciate the happy ending of my story. And if ever we are lucky enough to get a plot twist and life decides to make our paths cross again, I hope you see me not just as one of your ex-lover but the girl who loved you the most.
Written by Minerva Abao