pain

To The Girl Who Almost Took My Man Forever

Painting by Eric Zener

Painting by Eric Zener

It’s been a year ago since we had the worst breakup. We were both lost, doubtful, and needed time to discover ourselves within. But I didn’t expect you to come on his way.

You happened to be his workmate. Everybody seems to know you, for being that hot chic smart gamer with almost a total package of an ideal girl that a man wants. And that’s when I started looking at myself like a total insecure bitch with nothing to beat what you have. You made me feel like I am nothing compared to you. My self-esteem just eats me up every time you screw on my mind. I know you had it all, but I can’t just let you have the most precious man in my life.

We have been together for 7 years. He was back then my high school puppy love, went unto dreaming together during our fancy teenage life up to the time when maturity hit us.  He was my lover, my best friend, my other-half, my everything. For a long time, we have been making ourselves stronger despite the pain and struggles  that we encounter. But within that 7 years, I have never been so jealous and  insecure like this before. You’re just so amazing. You have eaten my whole womanhood. I have known my partner as a very loyal one and that’s why this is how I felt when I found out that he’s starting to to fall in love with you.

Our breakup was a real tough one. I left him for a choice. I have been with him so long that’s why I begged for a space to discover myself alone, as well as him. But things turned out to be different. Throughout that struggle, I didn’t realize I left him hanging, with no one to hold on to. I soon figured out that he needed me, he needed someone, but he found you, hoping that you’ll put back the pieces of his broken heart. I happened to read your conversation one time, and it just hit me so hard, so hard that I just want to die.

Yet I did everything to win him back, made him remember the things that we get used to, and how long we took just to build this relationship. He was my everything. I have never loved any man more than I loved him. You just don’t know how it feels like to be like an abandoned lad  yet fighting to the point where you don’t think about yourself anymore. But yes, I won back his heart again. I knew he loved me wholeheartedly, but it was me who had not still let the pain go and be free.

Behind that, the wound still kills me inside. It’s been a year already yet the memories were still fresh and painful. Your ghost still scares me every single day. The memory still haunts me with the pain that weakens my every soul, until now.  How I wish you could just disappear, but it’s impossible, knowing that you are still workmates and friends this time.

You’re single and a strong independent woman- and I admire you for that. I get jealous every time you tell about your single life, knowing that here I am, feeling like in a cage of relationship. But don’t get me wrong. I am happy with what we have right now and I enjoy again having him in my life. But when I’m alone, you always reminded me of how I could be if I persuade myself before in giving myself my own time. But all my life I learn to be with him, depended and relied my happiness on him. He’s just my man, my everything.

It still hits me, but I know sooner, I will learn to ignore you, and be proud of myself more.
We are both strong. But you know what differs us so much?
I am really proud of myself because in the name of love, I wasn’t ready yet but love made me ready during my young age all through the way- ready for the UNEXPECTED.
They say when you love, you are ready to ride a roller coaster, being in love, happy, sick, hatred, pain, struggles, anxiety, depression, and of course, sacrifices and fights. And at made me a stronger woman.

While you’re always promoting your single life, you’re just showing yourself as the younger one than me, not by age, but by the measures of how we can survive in fighting for the name of love.
Trust me, relationship isn’t a happy fairytale, Soon you’ll also undergo all of these, Or if you already, then you will still experience this when you enter a relationship again. Remember, God never made Adam alone. He made us TWO, and in this life, we can never be just by OURSELF. We need someone to be with in this chaotic yet romantic world.

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