lust

To My Future Lover: I Want You To Challenge Me

Painting by Carsten Weitzmann

Dear future lover,

If you’re reading this, you somehow managed to break through my walls and connect me with my other side. Now, I’m not gonna sit here and tell you how impenetrable those walls are and how amazing you are for breaking them. Hate to break it to you, but they’re pretty easy to tear down. I’m a sucker for infatuation. I love new things — and that’s exactly the problem. You’re a new thing.

I’m going to text you every day, I’m going to kiss you whenever I can, I’m going to cook for you, I’m going to put my hands through your hair, we’re going to have tons of sex-good sex, we’re going to dance without music, we’re going to fall asleep talking about our life, and you’re going to fall in love with me, if you aren’t already. And for a second, I will fall in love with you too. You’re going to feel like I’m everything you need. You’re going to think I complete you. I’m going to meet your family and they won’t be too sure about me because of my accent and my short dress, but they’ll accept me. I’m going to be your safe haven.

When this happens, don’t tell me. Don’t tell me you love me. Don’t ask me to be your girlfriend. Just don’t. I will say no. Don’t break your own heart by expecting more from me than I could ever give you.

I break everything I touch and if you’re going to love me you have to be unbreakable. You have to be the strongest diamond. You have to let me love you more than you love me or otherwise I will get bored.

I will get bored, and in a blink of an eye I will be gone. You will think back trying to find where you went wrong and you won’t be able to find an explanation as to why I’m doing this to you. You’ll feel worthless. Your heart will be destroyed. I will leave and I will never look back. I’ll forget your birthday in a week. I’ll forget when our first kiss was, I’ll forget your mother’s name. I’ll forget you.

Challenge me. Don’t be afraid to insult me from time to time and call me out when I’m being a bitch. Be a sarcastic twat to me too. Don’t show me any signs of vulnerability. Never cry for me. Not even when you’re drunk and it’s 3am and we had a fight and you can’t stop thinking about me.  Don’t even drunk text me. I’m thinking about you, don’t show me you are thinking about me. Tell me your fears, but also tell me how you plan to overcome them. I’m swooned by strength.

If you have mommy or daddy issues tell me now and this is over. I will not supplement the love or care you are longing for from a parental figure. I’m not your family. You cannot depend on me. Ever. I’m not your savior. I’m not here to help you find yourself. You should already be complete.

Never beg me…for anything. Don’t ask me for sex. Don’t even mention it. Play with me – play with my mind and my body and make me crave you.

Make every cell in my body want to touch yours. Tease me. Act like you don’t care. Brush me off. Don’t tell me you miss me. Just call me and say you’re on your way. Call me and say you’re out front. Call me and tell me to come over now.

Be bossy. Be one step ahead of me.

Go out with your friends and turn off your phone. Make me worry about you. And then show up at my place with a bottle of champagne at 5am, with the smell of cigarettes and weed clinging to your jacket, and offer to make mimosas. I won’t be mad at you for not answering me if you bring mimosas, and you know this, so you win.

Keep me on my heels. I enjoy the torture. Don’t give me security. Make me feel like I’m going to explode every time I see you. Be the person who makes me the maddest.

I won’t tell you, either. You won’t know how much you mean to me. I’m a time bomb, and I’ll eventually explode. When I tell you I love you, laugh and say “I know” and don’t say you love me back until three days after. Fuck with my mind. Drive me insane.

This is probably not what you signed up for and if it’s too much for you, I completely understand. But let me tell you about the positive side, which might not be enough considering the bad one, but it’s fair to include. I will talk to you for hours about any topic at whatever time you feel like it. You will be able to trust me with all your secrets, I’ll trust you with mine. I’ll go to everywhere you invite me too, and you can hold my hand if you want to. I’ll buy you gifts and I won’t expect anything in return.

I’m a great kisser and you probably already know that. I have a dark sense of humour.

I’ll lay down in the sand with you at the beach while the sun sets and we drink beer. I’ll watch football with you, I love it. I’ll stumble through streets with you after we’ve both had too good of a night. I’ll laugh at your jokes. I’ll watch movies with you and fall asleep in your arms. I’ll play pool with you, and you’d be surprised to know I’m actually better than you at it. I’ll show you my music, and you can show me yours. I’ll give you massages when you’re stressed. I’ll drive around aimlessly with you. I’ll compliment you. I’ll get into your weird shit. I’ll start saying things you say and you’ll start saying things I say. People will ask if we’re a couple and we’ll both say no, but after a couple of shots our uncontrollable hormones and PDA’s will say otherwise. We don’t need to explain ourselves.

I’ll be your best friend. Your partner in crime. I’ll be there when you need me, unconditionally, if you just…challenge me.

—

Submitted to ArtParasites by A. Zerreitug

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