Things I hate in real life, but love in bed

Photo by Paco Peregrin represented by Sleek Art

Photo by Paco Peregrin represented by Sleek Art

Sex can make people do and want crazy things.

A quick survey of my friends, otherwise rational people, revealed that sometimes we can take pleasure in bizarre things between the sheets that we would pass on in any other situation.

Nigel*, the workaholic supervisor of a tech company, hates socializing. He says he prefers a quiet environment to focus on his job, delegating assistant supervisors their day-to-day tasks and making sure his 70+ employees from four different departments are producing quality work. However, at home in bed with his partner(s), the mask comes off.

“I rarely go out and when I do, it’s usually for corporate parties. I don’t enjoy being around other people,” he confesses after bluntly telling me I only had 15 minutes to interview him on messenger. It’s curious because Nigel – who identifies himself as bi-sexual – prefers to have threesomes or group sex.

“Of course it’s nice to have a one-on-one with someone special, but I’ve been on the market for the past three years and have found [the joy of] Tinder,” he laughs. “The most [partners I’ve had a groupie with] was ten, so that’s eleven including me. I usually just stick to threesomes, though. It’s exhilarating!”

Why then does introverted Nigel get turned on majorly from private, scheduled, gang coitus?

According to a study conducted by The Spectrum, “People have threesomes for many reasons. Some people are looking to empower themselves, some are trying to satisfy their partner or some want to get out of a normal routine. Threesomes are a common sexual fantasy because people want to be desired by more than one person simultaneously.”

This may explain Nigel’s sexual preferences, but is merely the tip of the… um… iceberg when it comes to sex kink psychology.

Let’s take in account Maria*, a 23-year-old medical student, “Spanking in real life is downright sexist and disrespectful. I also hate it when people whisper super close to my ear, especially when we’re doing our rounds. It makes me ticklish in front of patients for all the wrong reasons. It works in bed, but in real life if you ever got that space-invasive my inner Hulk will come out!”

Maria reveals she loves rough play, “Ass slapping, hair pulling, dirty talking – even if you whisper, yes – the works. I love it when my man is dominant. But he better not expect me to put up with his commands in real life. I’m a proud woman and don’t like being told what to do. You know how they say – lady in the streets, freak in the sheets.”

Maria’s kink isn’t exactly unconventional, at least compared to Nigel’s. The Sexual Pain Theory has existed as long as Freud began studying psychology. Studies indicate that chemicals released by the brain for pain and pleasure are nearly identical, such as endorphins and serotonin. Thus some people unconsciously form a connection between the ecstasy of sex and acts commonly be viewed as uncomfortable to most.

We can enumerate all the theories available, but truth is we’re not really close to figuring out why what turns us on turns us on, and why, for a lot of us, the things which turn us on are usually the things we can’t normally stand in reality.

“My dad’s a police officer and he left my mom when I was two,” Maria explains. “But it’s not like I watched some BDSM porn and decided to be [sic] the stereotypical girl with daddy issues. I don’t know. One time I was in bed with my boyfriend and I don’t know why but I asked him to pull my hair and slap me and [when I found I liked it] it started from that.”

Sexual awakening is a complex and mysterious process. Society frowns upon any notion of sex, let alone individual wishes to actively discover the ins-and-outs of his sexual psyche.

There’s no manual to truly explain why our brains are wired like Nigels, or Maria’s, or like people who get a kick out of doing the deed in public places, yet severely fear attention or recognition when not pining for the Big O.

It’s an arduous process but we, in our own different ways, have to discover for ourselves what makes us tick. And more often than not, what makes us tick in bed ticks us off in real life.

As for Maria, is there anything else she despises outside of the bedroom but adores in the sheets?

“Cheesy old songs and preferably with a saxophone playing on the background,” Maria laughs. “It just makes sense! Yeah, I get it sounds very 70s porn. It’s a different story in real life; I would barf if someone told me that was their favorite music. But I think in bed it adds a sort of sensuality, some spice.

I swear when I hear Careless Whisper, I expect a stripper pole to come down from the heavens right in front of me!”

*Names have been changed so my friends and I can remain friends.

Sade Andria Zabala is a twenty-four year old Filipina surfer sometimes living in Denmark. She is the author of poetry books War Songs and Coffee and Cigarettes. Her work has appeared on places such as Literary Orphans, The Thought Catalog, The Rising Phoenix Review, Hooligan Magazine, Germ Magazine, and more. In her spare time she likes to eat words and drink sunlight. You can purchase her books here.