I had a very bad experience with a man this weekend, and it made me think back to similar times I’ve been mistreated. I jotted a few of them down. It seems to me everytime something like this happens, people’s advice is the same: Don’t go home with a man, Don’t have sex with a man you don’t know well, Don’t be naive enough to trust a man you do know well, etc. Then there’s always “Oh well you were looking for sex, you should’ve known this is the way it goes” and “If you didn’t expect to be treated this way, you shouldn’t have put yourself out there/been so easy.“
This seems to me to be endemic of our society, and more and more I’m begining to think “hook-up culture” is just another word for rape culture. It’s the Idea of consenting sex, the idea that women are going along with it and enjoying it just as much as the man, but really it provides an excuse for some men to get away with taking advantage of/degrading sexual women without being held responsible. It’s the idea that when a woman consents to sex, she’s consenting to it any which way, and being treated like a piece of meat is just part of the package she’s agreed to. How can we change things, without keeping our pussies closed? I’ve had some truly wonderful and reciprocal experiences, they weren’t all like this, but emotionally the bad ones overpower and taint the good ones.
There’s the guy who seems the gentleman, who disappears after I tell him I’m not ready to have sex on the 3rd date. There’s the guy I go home with for the first time, who within 5 minutes of making-out is shoving his dick in my face expecting me to go down on him. Years ago, there’s the guy I ocassionally sleep with who one night tells me he just “isn’t into it” unless it’s without a condom or anal, and then despite my protests, proceeds to shove his unwrapped cock in my cunt and pump away, thinking I’ll just get so lost in the moment I’ll stop asking him to put on a condom. I have to actually physically push him off and out.
There’s the lover who shows up drunk at my door needing a place to crash for the night, and when we go to bed he starts pushing my head down, forcibly. I resist, and he pushes harder, I shout No and he keeps pushing. Finally I manage to wrestle my head away from his iron grasp, and ask him what the hell he thinks he’s doing. He says “Oh, I thought you liked it rough, I thought you wanted that.” I say no, and that he should leave. He refuses to, saying he’s drunk and it’s late and because he lives in a different town he would be out on the street all night if I kicked him out, and I would be an awful person if I did that to him. Then he turns his back on me and falls asleep in My bed while I’m left there with my whole body shaking.
I’m not even going to bother mentioning the guy who promises to return the favour if I go down on him first (which then of course he doesn’t) or the guy who holds my head down when he cums and forces me to swallow. Nevermind the guy whom I hand a condom, and then after we fuck I go to pull the condom off, and realize he Never Put it On. Or the lover who I buzz in, and when I open the door he’s standing there with two of his buddies, who push their way into my apartment, hands all over me, telling me tonight’s my “lucky night” I get to have 3 guys at once. After hours of them haggling and me saying No, I manage to get my buddy alone, and he tells me if I agree to have sex with him that night he’ll send them home.
I’ve never been raped, and I only have a few nights I don’t remember, but I’ve been coerced time after time after time, I’ve said No many times and either been made to feel guilty or been placated until I went along with something I didn’t want to do. This is what consenting sex looks like? This is what being sexually liberated in our society looks like? Being a single woman who enjoys sex means I have to constantly be defending my body and my morals, because if left to their own devices men will revert to treating me as nothing more than a collection of holes for their own use? This is acceptable? Is this the price a woman has to pay if she chooses not to be celibate?
Anonymously submitted to ArtParasites