Painting by Anna Taut

One of the truest definitions of “cool” comes from the Purple Rain singer himself. “Cool means being able to hang with yourself. All you have to ask yourself is ‘is there anybody I’m afraid of! Is there anybody who if I walked into a room and saw I’d get nervous! If not, then you’re cool,” Prince said.

This is the cool I may have always longed to be and still fail to become. I remember during my school years, every year I’d tell myself this year is my year, I’m going to be cool. But it never happened and eventually I gave up to the idea and told myself that I’m a nerd and I can’t change that.

I’m always worried about the stupidest shit like what people think of me and over thinking at night. Thoughts like, “what did he think about me when I cursed, “did she hear my compliment or did I speak too softly,” or, “was it okay that I didn’t speak much” and “did I speak too much”. With this going on in my mind, how could I be cool?

Being attracted to cool, easygoing people but still knowing that  I’m not as cool, made me grow a sensation of fear of rejection.

This fear made me an introvert for a long time as a child. But with time, age, experience and of course the blessing of true friends – chosen regardless of being cool or not – you move on from the trap of such feelings. But do these feelings completely go away?

If these years are over, how confident are you now? I found there’s a progress. I must admit that when I see someone whom I feel is better, prettier or cooler, my inner secret feeling of insecurity and fear of rejection (which is now not secret at all) doesn’t make me go hide somewhere; however, it doesn’t stop me from wishing to hide.

But you grow older and more wise and the fear of rejection that you know you wouldn’t have had if you haven’t seen how the ones who are accepted, socially, emotionally or any other way, just accepted are like and compared yourself to them, that feeling gradually decreases. Most probably after you learn to not compare yourself.

People say don’t compare your chapter one with someone else’s chapter twenty. I say don’t compare your chapter one with someone else’s chapter one. Every one has his own story, why compare at all!?

That’s what got me to learn to accept myself, including the pounds I gain, the stupid humor and the childish clumsiness, for I realized that if I don’t do that, with time, I’d be more afraid of rejection from myself than from others.
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Mariem Sherif is an Egyptian medical student who believes that words can heal a wound, that in each and every one of us there is something special and that in details lies another great different life for those who notice.

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