Artparasites – How Art You Today?

pain

My Anxiety Is a Shapeshifter

Artwork by Luan Nel

My anxiety is a shapeshifter
One day it’s as small as a snail in the palm of my hand
The next day it’s a bear or a crocodile or the monster under my bed
One day it won’t leave a trail like a moving ship in the water
The next day it leaves a scar
As if my anxiety and I
Are tightly knotted together to a string in my left rib
And if I try to cut it out I would bleed inwardly, reopen my scars
In conversations she makes me use the words sorry and please a lot,
she is a recording playing on repeat in my mind, “You’re not enough”
My anxiety is a shapeshifter
One day it’s a box of cigarettes in my chest
When I speak i blow smoke rings instead of words
My anxiety doesn’t believe in balance,
she keeps me quiet in places where I should be loud
And loud in places where I should be quiet
My anxiety is a shapeshifter
One day she’s a jealous lover
She wouldn’t let anyone get close enough to hear me breathe
The next day she’s an illusionist and a perfectionist
Playing magic tricks in my mind
Like making me cut myself in half
When I feel like a burning house
She makes me refrain from seeking water
So I burn slowly, quietly, discretely
She knows I am not a good swimmer
So she likes to push me sometimes into a dark deep ocean of unhappy thoughts
Just to know how long I could hold my breath before I completely drown
My anxiety is a parasite
If I think myself a garden of roses
She is growing firm like weeds among stones
But the real tragedy is how she’s grown to be a part of me, wouldn’t it be just lovely
To wake up one day
take one brief look into the mirror, see only my reflection,
turn around, and walk away?