Loneliness Is My Only Company

Painting by Dorian Vallejo

Painting by Dorian Vallejo

There are kinds of pain in the world that hurt you to your very core, and there is the pain of ‘loneliness’ that sucks out life from everything including your own self and make you tend to be life-eccentric and longing to leave it. Between misunderstanding and loneliness, a lot of us do get lost, searching for a way out but finding none but more of them.

Loneliness strikes me all the time. In the morning when I wake up, in the streets when I walk, I search among the faces for a refuge and I find nobody to ease its pain. It’s in the middle of the night, when I stretch my hand for someone to lean on and then I realize I am leaning on nothing but mere void. It’s every single moment of my day; having too many people around, but nobody seems to understand how I feel, what I am going through, or even who I am and what I want.

A lot of words get lost into the fuss between us and the ones around us, and misunderstanding grows as we become distant from one another until we end up people who are tangibly close but miles and miles away from each other.

Ironically, this changed once or twice, I did find some people who understood me. However, it hurts me to my very depth how I gave everything I have and everything I am, and still it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t make those people stay in my life, to keep me company. And as a consequence, not only did I end up alone, I ended up consumed as well. Sometimes I ask myself if it demands effort to make some people stay, or not. I mean, the ones who are meant to stay would, without us exerting effort to keep them. So perhaps I was wrong about that.

I long to have some people who would stay no matter what, under any condition, for as long as they can, some people who’d see the pain in my eyes before I speak it out, some people who would understand what I am, and would accept me for it without seeking every chance to change it. I long to have some people who would understand what I am saying based on their knowledge of my past experiences that created me and would react accordingly. Some people who wouldn’t judge, who would heal my wounds and tap my scars until I begin to feel in their places once again.

But until this happens, I guess I’ll have loneliness as my only company.

So here is to all those who feel the same, those who are misunderstood, those who can’t find others to shelter their being and contain their vast souls, you aren’t alone even if it feels so, because one way or another, we’re all together in being alone.

Written by Mariam Reda

30 Days Challenge. Day 2.
“What seems to be the issue? Tell us where it hurts.”