Letter To A Lost Lover

Painting by Paul Delvaux - "Loneliness"

Painting by Paul Delvaux - "Loneliness"

The heat has finally diminished, at least for tonight. The warmth that reigned during the last few months has disappeared, temporarily I hope. Lost in my thoughts, I come across the ghost of your presence. A shadow that still haunts me, even when I try my hardest to suppress it.

It has been quite a while now, and I seem incapable of getting rid of your image in my head. The glow in your face every time you smiled. The way you used to get excited about the little things. Your drive for success and things beyond your immediate reach. All of those things keep lingering in my mind, even though I know they are long gone.

I keep going around and around the last days of our romance.

Things that I should have made differently, attitudes that I should have corrected before they became an illness. They all seem pointless now, and all I recall from that terrible night is the way tears fell down our faces as we faced the imminence of our paths going separate ways, and in my case the destruction of the only bit of real happiness that I have known in my entire life.

For months I have thought that life goes on without you, barely; but barely living is not a good way of walking through existence. I am still longing for your hugs, your kisses, your laughter, endless nights that went by unnoticeably fast, waking up next to you; but most of all, just looking into your eyes and knowing that everything was going to be alright. I still wake up every morning lamenting that this isn’t just a bad dream, that I actually have to live in a world that seems to have forgotten about your existence.

I still have not learned how to cope with this loss.

Every recipe there is for getting over someone, I have tried it. Resenting you. Hating you. Despising you. Undermining you. They have all backfired and led me deeper into the well of my mind. All of them are temporary solutions to a problem that has no answer.

It is because of that, that I have grown accustomed to missing you.

Accepting the pain as an horrible reminder that I am still alive. I have heard that time cures it all, but what if this isn’t within its capacity of healing? What if I am doomed to mourn eternally the loss of the most passionate, caring, and unique human I ever met?

My mind keeps rambling about this idea all day, every day. There is no truce to it. Momentarily I get some spaces of silence, but the recurrence of your visits in my dreams makes it impossible for me to forget you.

I am truly glad that you were able to find happiness again.

And I ask you to forgive me if my childish efforts of erasing you from my memory have made you uncomfortable at some point. In reality I don’t want to forget you, but sometimes the pain is just unbearable.

In a display of pride during the aftermath of our separation, I once told you that I wasn’t going to wait for you, but even I am having a hard time believing that. So many things I have said with the momentum of my pride that now I regret, and likewise many things remained (and remain) unsaid.

I will keep looking for a way to live without you, settling with your and our memories so that you may live on too.

I will keep hoping for another chance, praying that when the time comes I still won’t be familiar with the idea of living without you.

Sleep now, my love, for I hope my silent monologue reaches you in some way, but I am afraid of the consequences of it. Rest well, and keep on dazzling the world with your charisma.

Yours forever.

Mario J