things we

I’m Just Trying to Figure it Out

Artwork by Useless Treasures

You can’t feel when you’re dead. At least that’s what most of us know because Lazarus didn’t say a thing after his resurrection. Maybe he did… I honestly don’t know, but I wouldn’t want to dig up more Bible verses and historical facts to know whether he ever talked about afterlife or not.
I mean apart from having more important things on our plate at the moment, we all know when you dig up one thing you always tend to find more bones in the ground that makes you question other stuff which you never thought needed questioning.
I know better; been there, done that and, oh dear, it really did a number on me.
So let’s just get on with it, because the second coming of Christ is evidently not happening any sooner. They said He was coming soon and very soon, like a thief in the night, well, fast forward to ten thousands of years later and the world still stands, still plagued by man’s disobedience and cruelty. I guess we’re still waiting for the prophesy about the king of the Eastern kingdom overthrowing the king of the West to be fulfilled. So let’s buckle up and wait. (Might as well read more about Lazarus to pass time).
You can’t feel when you’re dead. It is said it’s like how you sleep minus the dream. That your body is just there, minus the heartbeat and soul.
I guess right now you’re thinking about the soul, right? Where does it go after we die? Does it fade into nothingness or is it reincarnated into something else? Is there truly a soul in the first place? Yeah, this type of understanding is definitely beyond us, man. Let’s stick to memes.
You can’t feel when you’re dead. If I write a book, then that will be its title. It will also be both the first sentence and the last. “You can’t feel when you’re dead.”
I honestly don’t know where I’m going with this. I was supposed to post something close to a funny story but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. What I felt in my gut did not resonate with what I was writing. Yes, what I was trying to write was indeed my story, I however had this other untold story which gave me a hard time processing. Thoughts were jumping up and down, badgering me as they needed an out… to be brought to life.
Granted, this post has some weird vibes, but hey, this is me right now. Read it or scroll through it. Sorry if I sound rude. Forgive me, I’m just trying to figure it out. I hate when this happens. Figuring shit out can be so damn hard, sometimes. Especially when it’s matters of the self. Or simply how you’re feeling.
You can’t feel when you’re dead, so that means you have to be alive for you to feel. Which means only those alive know you can’t feel when you’re dead. But what about ancestors? Our ancestors? Aagh, that’s enough, Dalah!
I think it’s a good old fashioned burnout that got me writing these words. I almost feel like I don’t remember what it’s like to “want” (anything, really) in a meaningful way. Sure, I do “yearn” for some things, but with a bit of a “I honestly don’t know.” I don’t know if it’s the vague hopelessness, an all-encompassing overwhelm, or if it’s the spark which has died out.
Naturally, I’m seeking to understand what the heck I’m feeling right now. After all, I’m a writer. I feel like if I don’t write about it then it will grow to something else. Definitely to something worse and I’d be so helpless that even my words wouldn’t echo inside my head to motivate me to be strong as I face it head-on.
After all, I wrote my way out of resentment and finally wrote my way into embracing and cultivating joy. I also wrote my way into your lives and now I can say we’re friends. And I guess because of that, I’ve felt pressured to keep writing, lest it all goes away. Feels like if I don’t write, then my entire value, which is affixed to my ability to write, will be no more. Feels like if I don’t write, I go back to resenting life as I lose my outlet, my sense of self and the ability to process feelings.
At times I can’t help but feel empty like a fraud or something, because I just sit here and write stuff. I mean if I wasn’t writing it, would I be able to think it and communicate it? When I tell people “you can’t feel when you’re dead,” how do I tell them without telling them that I don’t feel myself feel alive?
I know, I know, I should search within, but therein lies the problem. And it’s not like the world stops for you until you’ve figured everything out and nursed yourself to the ‘normal’ self so that it can continue spinning. It never stops. Nothing ever stops. Even when coronapalooza hit us, gravity remained undefeated. The world is still spinning up to this moment. Sadly, I don’t seem to be able to write my way out of whatever I’m feeling at the moment. I can only sit with it and feel it for what it is.
I feel empty, if I’m being blunt with you. And as I write this, the same phrase echoes through my head:
“You can’t feel when you’re dead.”
Meaning I’m not dead, I’m still alive!
I’m writing it all out, anyway. I’m not sure why… But I guess I want to feel again. Feel alive, write about it and feel more alive.
Now I’m just gonna press post and go to sleep. I believe I need to face it: days remain empty drafts asking us to fill them with words, stories, chores, money, food, laughter, emojis, memes, sex, hugs, smiles, sense of touch, someone’s presence, entertainment, purpose, meaning, joy, testimonies, music, art, appreciation, hope, venting… All these to feel alive. Maybe a little more alive.
I mean we all know you can’t feel when you’re dead. Okay, maybe you can, but right now, as you read this, you can choose to feel alive, and more alive, because you already are… alive. That’s our gem; being alive.
Kalath Dalah seeks to express his innermost thoughts about life through his writing. He believes human beings, at the very core, seek meaning, belonging, purpose and fulfillment throughout their daily lives. With his degree in Sociology, he hopes to inspire others by writing about his experiences and why he views the world and human life the way he does.

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