I have decided to say goodbye to my oldest and dearest friend. Not because I don’t love her anymore, but because I cannot deal with the rejection anymore. Maybe I want to preserve our precious memories and not have them tarnished by a negative force.
We met at twelve and quickly became good friends. She saw my awful life as an abused child and I saw her loneliness through alienation at school. We both accepted these terrible, awful parts of our being and used them as platforms to elevate ourselves past the pain. We would make plans of who we wanted to be. We didn’t need anyone else because we had each other. Our kindred spirits, bonded through pain would shine brightly whenever we were together.
Having a close friend who really sees you throughout those teen years is a beautiful thing. We reached our twenties and reached our goals. We both had a high level of education, good jobs and lives in the same city. Our twenties were filled with the fruits of our hard-earned labours. We travelled both together and separately, settled down with partners and lived the lives we always wanted. The karmic balance finally seemed to be taking hold and we both witnessed the successes with awe and fascination. From two broken children came two successful adults. A miracle we’d always believed in.
Then it all began to change. The weight of adulthood began to fall on our shoulders. The end started off simple enough. My dearest friends outgoing attitude began to disintegrate into nothingness. She would rip others to shreds without a second thought but then be full of remorse a day or two afterwards. We talked, a lot. I wanted to know what was going on, but after trying and failing to help her, this distance began to appear.
I tried to understand, I made time for her, planned trips and holidays, any excuse to try to connect with her, but nothing. She was pulling away and I was powerless to stop her. I once managed to get a drunken confession out of her. Her words will sit heavy on my heart for all time. “I’m envious of your life and it makes me resent you.” My soul ached uncontrollably after that. We had always been each others crutch through hard times.
But I’m a stubborn person and so for the past five years, I’ve tried and tried and tried with her. I don’t talk about my life because I don’t want the resentment. I ask about her, tried to be empathic and supportive but to no avail. Now she barely responds to my messages, my calls or arrangements. She’s pulled away and I’ve finally accepted there’s nothing I can do to stop it. My heart can’t take the rejection. I secretly hope that one day she finds the life she’s always wanted and we can once again be close. But hope is a fragile thing built on uncertainty. And so I have to say goodbye without opening my mouth. This is something my dear friend has already taken the lead on.
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