Artparasites – How Art You Today?

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How To Get Laid In An Art Gallery

Note: While this article involves a heterosexual situation, it applies to all gender scenarios.

Have you found yourself sexually frustrated lately? I.e. posting craigslist adds that only end with you bound in leather and locked in a laundry room/dungeon for two days straight (true story). Or going on awkward blind dates set up by oblivious friends who think those with ceramic collections are mentally sound people. What if I told you there was a way to avoid going to the club, buying expensive drinks whilst navigating a sweaty sea of techno Vikings and instead enriching your cultural loins while looking for action?

White walls, stodgy art and dusty corners – is this your idea of an art gallery? Wrong. Art galleries of today are sexy, sleek and full of hook-up potential: underpaid art gallery interns working in tight H&M sweaters and boredom are just looking for an excuse to get off Facebook and show you their masterpiece(s). Also prowling the grounds are packs of tight-jeaned university hotties and horny art students who’ve come to engage themselves culturally in the post-metaphysic historically inaccurate paintings of impressionist….blah blah blah. Let’s be honest: we didn’t come here for the art.

Step 1: Finding A Muse

Art is your friend, but sometimes striking up a conversation about it – even in the best scenarios – can make you seem like a know-it-all douche bag. If you know your shit, go for it, drop a few key-words, but nothing will cock block you more than a 15 minute dialog explaining the artist’s self-questioning epistemology.

Play it cerulean cool. Don’t put all your paint on the canvas at once. My advice: Lock eyes, spark convo and begin commenting on all the pretty colors, how you miss your dear Grandmother and whether this work would look good next to that Francis Bacon in your foyer.

Step 2: Painting The Portrait

Here is where things can go seriously wrong. Like using your size 2 hog bristle Filbert for shading, you can end up in the shit. Don’t stress it, go for it and be bold with your strokes.

But be ready to suffer the likely and embarrassing repercussions.

Or you can play it cool with delicate strokes to win her over and ever so casually paint your intended portrait.

Step 3: Location, Location, Location

So you’ve found your five minute muse. First of all, where do you think all this action is going to take place? Do you think Monet painted On the Bank of the Seine from his imagination? No, he took action, found great locations and is now fucking pastel painting legend. Hopefully, you’ve taken it upon yourself to have scouted these places out before hand.

Bathrooms: The art is minimal here besides the odd wannabe bathroom-Banksy. And while getting it on amongst sharpie caricatures of Mona Lisa as a MILF might not be the most romantic, the white kingdom does offer privacy and the soothing, camouflaging sound of running water.

Projection Rooms: The art can be great here, but a feature on immigrants and the hardships in Europe isn’t the sexiest. Beware: Video artists love contrasting imagery and the light levels can range from Van Gogh’s Starry Night to Botticelli’s Birth of Venus. Suddenly, that five minute scene of a deserted dark highway now is a white dove flying into the sun – alerting those around you of activities not included in their gallery guide.

So, before you take the dirty cheap blue rug for a tussle, be sure to preview the projecting video for not only the sexiness factor but also for revealing qualities (if you don’t want to become part of the exhibition). And with those three easy steps, now you know that, with a free cultural excursion and no matter how bad the art is, there will always be something exciting to do at a gallery.

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Article by Tristan Boisvert

If you found helpful tips in this article for exploring Berlin’s art jungle, you might also find more here:

Looking At Contemporary Art: A Beginner’s Guide

Damn, How Do I Become An Art Collector?

The Art Of Social Climbing