empathy

How To Find Love When You Just Want To Be Alone?

Photography by Tommy Ingberg

The bubble around me
grows thicker and stronger
while I learn to build more solid walls
bigger than the Great Wall of China
It’s this feeling that I can’t shake
no matter how many months go by
of losing something precious
before I got to have it in my lifeI know it’s irrational but I need love
I need to feel like I’m needed to live
I need the nights to be shorter
But Winter is here to stay for a yearI miss my friends with loathing
How I love to live in my comfort zone
But there is nobody in there
and after a while it gets too silent and I start to feel alone.

Like an empty living room
of a dead household
with pictures of picnics still on the walls
But the people in them are long gone.

There are still some people that visit
but they have more important things in life
And I’m by myself once again
flicking the light switch on and off
all through the night

Books keep me hanging onto reality
and irregular phone calls from my mom
My birthday is coming up
How I wish everybody wouldn’t call
and feel lonely when they really don’t.

Can you be tired of living life like you want?
I wanted to live life like I envisioned it as a kid
But now that I’m older and bitter
I read too much into everything and cry into a pillow.

I live with the ghosts of my past,
I’m not haunted by them anymore,
They scream and run around in my head,
While I live everyday in the same way like before.

—

Oshin Ahlawat is a young poet and writer based in New Delhi, India. “I believe people who write are like tornados and cyclones. We wreck a lot of lives; for better or worse. It all depends on the people who read our work. They decide where the damage is going to be; the heart or the mind and whether it’s going to be for the good or for worse. I wish to give them the choice to decide that. I’m just going to focus on doing what I want”, she says. 

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