pain

How To Accept That Your Parents Will Never Change And Free Yourself From The Past

Artwork by Joanne Nam

You seek for things your primary caregivers couldn’t give from your partner to mend your subconscious relationship with them.

For example, I’ve often felt like I’m not good enough and I’ve been extremely careful with my parents. Never got enough attention from them unless I was involved in a scandal. They hardly ever speak of me proudly to other people, even when I did 100 more things as a kid to make them proud. I’ve mastered the art of suppressing and forgetting cause I feel it’s better to not bother the other person with my problems till I can gulp it down or flush it. I was not an expressive kid. I kept emotional struggles to myself. Probably cause the few times I did, they didn’t care enough. That indifference is traumatising. I didn’t feel like my parents ever fought for me.

When I got molested by that tutor or ragged ridiculously in school for my religion for 6 years, they did nothing. I’ve experienced abandonment majorly, when they easily left me here alone. I got used to giving more than I received.

And that’s how I felt with you too sometimes. A lot changed, some remains same. I used to feel like I’m not enough. All the attention and validation you gave used to help me heal. I subconsciously felt like I was finally getting the attention/affection I deserved. But when you did otherwise, it just hit the wrong spots. That’s why lack of your attention used to get to me so much. That has changed now. I don’t need any validation. Of course your attention feels nice nonetheless but I don’t use it to heal my subconscious wounds. Therefore incase I don’t get that for a while now, I’ll miss it but I won’t feel deprived. I’m worth all the happiness I can give if not more. I figured why you giving up easily bothered me more than it should’ve and how my fear of you walking away works. Unlike my parents, I want you to fight for me. I want you to need me and not give up on me cause I matter more than I feel I do. My fault here is, I shouldn’t be scared of you walking away. If I truly believe I’m worthy of all your love and fight, then I shouldn’t limit myself from expressing or doing something just cause I’m scared you’ll leave. Im working on that but I’ll need your help in making me believe you really won’t give up again so easily. I know why it bothers me when I go out of my way to do something even if it takes an emotional toll on me. Ive always given more than I received. And I finally want that to change. I want to be on the receiving end. Another fact here is that we also subconsciously look for people who resemble our primary caregiver in some way or the other. You’re not a very vocal person when I comes to love and you rarely feel the need to share your personal problems so you often naturally expect the other person to resolve fair share of their problems on their own too, just like my dad. Kinda freaky, isn’t it?

Having said all of that, you’re not liable to fix the damage my parents caused. It’s my job to do so and I’ve been at it for a while now. My intention behind explaining this to you is only for you to understand me better and I hope you’ll appreciate this. I hope you admire me as much as you did before cause this long message literally sounds like I’m a little bit of a baggage. I don’t want sympathy. To be honest, it’ll sound extremely clichéed and cheesy but I just want someone to genuinely love me. And that someone happens to be you. It makes me question one thing though. Do I want you to love me like that cause I lacked it in my childhood or because it’s human nature to want to be loved? I’m honestly happy and in love with myself. But I do have weak moments where I rely on someone else, being you to love me too. Is that wrong?

I’ll also answer your question. How much do I love you? I’d do anything that’s possible for me to do to make you happy. I know I love you a lot by realising how much your happiness means to me. I want to protect you from negative emotions to the extent that I bend my emotional needs at times to serve/guard yours. It is not always a good thing for me personally but I do it instinctively, sometimes. Hoping you’ll serve mine after. I’d never do anything to hurt you with or without your knowledge. I am physically and mentally incapable of that. Lastly, I believe in you as a human being even when people who’ve been with you for longer than I have tells me otherwise. I believe strongly you’re more than that. In your words, I love you way more than iPhone owners love their brand new iPhone.

We all have different languages of love. Yours is by action when I’m physically present or your most powerful tool of expression being music. Mine is by action and words. I resort to words when it comes to expressing most of the time. Like I did now. I love you a lot and I like being naked with you, in all ways possible. So you can see and love me as I am.

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