pain

How I Lost And Found Myself Again After Surviving The Darkest Hour

I can still remember the day I lost her. I can’t recognize the person I’m seeing in the mirror anymore.

She was different. Her eyes weren’t there. Her soul wasn’t there too. She was so buried deep inside and no one ever knew. Or that was what she thought. She was there but not really. She isolated herself inside the four corners of her room. She was completely lost.

Then came angels who saved her from the darkness pit. She held their hands and together they went out. She became happy but not grateful. She was so full of the world and that made her feel great. She went out almost every night to build up what was lost. She became better. Then reality struck and made her realize, she was still empty.

Until one day, she fell in love. It was unexpected. She became hopeful. She was so sure about it that no one can ever tell her that it was wrong. Everything was great or that was what she told herself every day. She always sees the silver linings beyond every incomprehensible arguments and situations. She didn’t wanna hear the little voice inside her that was telling her that she’s fooling herself. She was so caught up with the fantasy she herself made. But then the truth punched her right in the face and wanted to wake her up from that dream, that nightmare actually.

So she woke up. She didn’t want to but she should that’s why she did. It was so hard for her to make that decision because she was so sure about what they had. She was so sure of that fantasy. Only to realize she’s living in a different reality.

Days went by and she saw that same face in the mirror again. Sadly, she got lost again. For the nth time but this time, she hit rock bottom. She had broken herself up into tiny pieces for she got broken before but managed to glue it up together. Now, the pieces were smaller. She didn’t know where or how to start. She can’t sleep, she doesn’t wanna eat and she don’t wanna live anymore. Everything was shattered why not make it worse? It seems that it’s easier to break down one more time than to pick up those tiny pieces. She couldn’t take it anymore. That’s when she cried out for help. She’s losing her mind, her spirit and her soul. The fighter inside her was slowly drifting away. The fire inside her was getting smaller and smaller. She couldn’t see the light anymore.

Till one afternoon, while she was wiping her tears and forcing herself to get up, help came in. It was so familiar. She recognized it because it was the same help that she refused to accept years ago. It was the same angel. She was reluctant at first but she was desperate. She told herself that it was her who needs saving and help was right in front of her. So she grabbed the angel’s hand and she was directed to the real Help. She was directed to her One True Love.

It wasn’t an easy ride or walk as they say it but she was blessed not lucky. The angel caddied her to meet her Love and introduced them to each other and that’s where it all really started.

She became curious and wanted to know Him more. She was craving for His Love and presence. She realized she can’t live a day without them talking. She by all means fell inlove. Yes, AGAIN! She fell inlove with the gentle way He holds her hands. She fell inlove with His sweet embrace. It was in Him she felt everything she needs to feel. The security, the assurance that she’ll never be alone again and the Love she’s been searching for her entire life. And with His help, she was able to pick up those little pieces again. She was delighted to do so because she knows everything’s gonna be really fine from then on.

Temptations came and left for her Love was stronger than anything or anyone else. There were times she lost focus and almost slipped through the cracks but He came to the rescue. He reminded her that trusting Him without any questions will never be easy but it will be worth it. He wanted her to be obedient. He wanted her to surrender and let go of everything to Him. He told her He will take care of it. She just got to be patient.

He was true to His words so He did. As each page turns, she became brand new with rough patches that needed healing too. She’s still in the process of mending. But one thing she was thankful of was that she found her. She found herself again. She is winning against depression. She finally found her solace, Him. So she reached for the mirror and was surprised on what she saw. It was her but better. It was her but not only her. It was weird but it was amazing. She didn’t only saw herself but she also saw her One True Love beside her.

I never thought I’d see her again. I never thought that she can make it. But then, she did, I did! I know there will be more roadblocks ahead. There will still be days when I want to be lost and go back to that comfort zone again but I’m not worried. My One True Love has my back and He will never allow it to happen as long as I keep my focus on Him. Holding on to His promises, choosing over and over again not to go back, and reminding myself whose Princess and daughter I am– with these in my mind and heart, and with Him by my side, I know I’ll never get lost again. I finally found Him and finding Him led me to finding myself. And that’s how great His love is. Besides, if God is with me, who can be against me? God is bigger and mightier than everything and I love Him!

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Written by Mae N. Gumban

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