lust

How I Figured I Like Women More Than Men And Why It’s Still An Emotional Rollercoaster

Illustration by  Chris Riddell

Illustration by Chris Riddell

I like girls. I’m not sure who knows, but not many people. My best friend knows. He is gay, we figure that out together, not together together, just… at the same time, during College, while he was still trying to hang out with girls, but never had a girlfriend. I wasn’t suspicious at all; I just thought it was because of his weird-awesome-lonely personality. But it wasn’t. He knows I like girls, I told him about the time I kissed one of my friends in the bathroom. He was surprised, but not too much, I guess he knows me enough.

When I knew I liked girls?

In College, I kiss the first one there, that was all, maybe a couple kisses with other girl, I don’t remember, nothing to remember. So, I liked kissing girls, that’s all, just when I was drunk and just for fun, right? It wasn’t a problem, actually I always thought about it as something that happened once, and never again. But that’s not true. Couple years after, some friends from College went to my apartment to hang out, including the girl I kissed before, during all the years after we did it nothing changed, we were JUST friends, and I was completely fine with that. I like her, she´s cool. But then that night, we were drunk, very drunk but not enough to just pass out, I could tell she had been waiting for that moment as much as me, we said the others we needed to sleep (we were the only ones working the next morning so they were fine with that). As soon as we got into my bedroom we started to kissing and taking our clothes off, she was completely naked in my bed, and I was with her, then she started to kiss me, kiss my body, kiss my lips, my neck, my nipples, my stomach, then she started to lick, and suck and kiss, and I thought I was going to explode. I mean, this wasn’t the first time someone gave me oral sex, but Oh!, my god, was the best. Watching her naked on top of me was the most exciting thing ever, something I could never experience with a boy, with a man. A girl, a woman is so delicate, so sexy, so soft, energized without being violent, I just loved the way she moved, the way she looked, as a woman. Then I gave her oral sex too, I was so excited, I loved it, she was begging me to keep going and never stop. I knew I was good at blowjobs, this was new and completely different but I enjoyed it so much. I didn’t want to stop… eventually we did, we did a bunch of other stuff too that night. The day after everything was normal, like if it would never happened. Perfect. That day another friend told me one of the guys wanted to come in and ‘wake us up’. So glad he didn’t.

No one else knew, no one else knew this story but me and her, and later my best friend. No one else, and I wasn’t planning to tell it to nobody else, but here I am. Feeling free for a moment, while you don’t know who I am, because I am too scared of rejection from people I love. That is actually the main reason I’m writing this and I want to share it with the world, as I cannot scream it to everyone, I just cant feel this is okay. Also I’m writing it because what has been happening since I moved here a year ago.

But before….

I met another girl, L, maybe a year after my first experience with a girl. I was 23, she was 21, I met her on Tinder. When I realized Tinder had the option to check on guys and girls I was into it. Still, I wasn’t a lesbian, right? I was just swiping left (mostly left) and I saw her and I swiped right on her pictures, she was wearing a bathing suit in a hot tub! Of course I swiped right. We started to talk (those times when I was actually using Tinder to talk), I think she asked me if I liked girls, I said I´ve never been in a relationship with one. She said it was okay, and that we should hang out sometime. We did, later that week I went to her apartment, which was pretty close to mine, to hang out on a Thursday night, we were just talking and chilling while we waited for the Uber to come. We went to one of my favorite places in the city, and we danced, we drank a lot, we were having fun. Then we started to kiss and touch in the restrooms, I don’t want to tell the rest of the story, because doesn’t involve her. I stayed at her house and when I woke up it was too late to show up at work. I called sick.

We start seeing each other regularly, not dating. I didn’t fall for her, I liked her but she was a girl. I liked her body, and her hair, her eyes and the way she touched me, and kiss me. I even liked the way people watched us on the bus when they realized we were hugging and kissing. It was like being in a dirty soft porn movie. And I liked that feeling, feeling sexy with her, wanted to touch her and kissing all the time. I thought it was okay, and I thought everyone should be okay with that too, any guy would be into that.  I thought.

I was seeing another guy while I was seeing her too, she knew it and she didn’t like it, but I wasn’t taking that seriously or anything, I was just having fun for a while, so does she, I thought. After maybe a month or two of seeing her I met the first love of my life (the only until now actually). I started seeing him and stopped seeing her. I told her I wasn’t looking for something serious with her and I didn’t want to hurt her, she appreciated it but she liked me too much. So she kept insisting in seeing me, but I just answered her messages because that is something I do, I don’t finish things, I keep them going until is impossible to keep them alive anymore. But I didn’t see her, for a while, and I was falling in love with this guy, N. I still cry for him sometimes, almost a year after we broke up. Anyways, N knew I liked girls, I think I told him, I don’t think he ever saw me kissing one. And he was okay, he liked it, he always joked about doing a threesome, he actually wanted to know L, sometimes he got a little jealous when I told him I texted her, or she texted me, but he is not the jealous type, so his excitement was stronger than that. I loved him so much, and he loved me, he said it was okay, and he use to tell me he liked me because of me, because of who I was, not because who I liked. And I felt safe; I felt it was completely okay to kiss girls sometimes. I even imagined myself telling my mom I had a girlfriend, how would she react? I don’t know, because I didn’t. I thought my hypothesis was true, every man liked that, or at least they wouldn’t have a problem with it, at the end it was just kissing girls, I wasn’t dating them while I was with them, I wouldn’t date a girl anyway, so it was okay..

Then I moved to another country, far from home, far from him, and we tried but it was too painful to pretend we were still together, we tried for months and months, almost a year, and we hurt each other pretty bad for doing it. During one of the moments we agreed to `not being together anymore`, I met this guy, that doesn’t even deserve a letter, we were dating, I was scared and lonely but he didn’t know, I was just desperate to have someone to hang out with, after almost 2 years of having N, by my side, every 2 days, watching movies, watching ‘Lost’ together, feeling anything but lost, after almost 2 years of believing I had found the love of my life, the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, after losing that, the only thing I wanted was not  to feel left out anymore.

So, everything looked pretty good, he looked like a nice guy, he took care of me, he helped me, he liked to spend time with me. And I was okay with him. I liked having sex with him. But some day, after a date with my friends, we came back to my apartment and he said he couldn’t do this anymore, he didn’t explain much, but he did mentioned one of the reasons was that I liked girls. ‘SHIT’. It still hurts and I still feel confused when I write it down. SHIT SHIT SHIT, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? We were happy, you liked my brain, my body, my laugh, my thoughts and suddenly you don’t want to be with me anymore because I like kissing girls? That shouldn’t be a big deal, I never did it while I was with him, not once, maybe because I didn’t have any opportunity, or maybe because I liked him. I don’t know, but he told me he couldn’t imagine being with someone that will always want something else, something he couldn’t give me.  That’s stupid, is just a kiss, is just ´sex´, that’s not even sex, I don’t know what is that, is oral sex and kisses, that’s all, and I wouldn’t do it while I’m with someone. Maybe just a kiss, maybe just that, because that’s sexy, right? Is nothing serious, so why do you think is a good reason to ditch me? ‘FUCK’, I hated him, so much for not loving me the way I was, or for making look bad something is not, this was the first time I thought on my desires as something bad, something ugly, something that should remain secret. So, not all guys are into this, I got it. In a really crappy way.

And then I think in all the girls that had being hurt by someone for no better reason than this, so stupid. What do you care, why do you have to care?

I told this to my best friend, he told me that guy was a dick-head, that I was way better without him, but was hard. Especially because we work in the same building, ‘fuck’. But I never saw him again, and I still kind of hate him.

Okay, so it’s not okay to kiss girls, or to like it. I remember since I started watching porn, I always liked to watch girl on girl stuff, never dicks, not because I don’t like dicks, I didn’t like strangers dicks. But girls, I knew their stuff, it looked a little like mine (mine not as tired and used as theirs) but still. And they were delicate and sexy with each other; they are beautiful, perfect bodies. Something I can’t decide yet is if I like girls or I just like how they look like, and I want to look like them, like a platonic effect.

Anyway, after that experience, when someone turned me down because I liked girls, I started to feel bad about it, a little ashamed of it. But I can’t change it, I still like it. Yesterday an amazingly good-looking blond woman stared at me at the bar, she started to dance with me and play with me. I was into it, but not too much, I was with F, a good friend and a good ex lover, he likes me, he knows I like to kiss girls, and he had been okay with it, until yesterday. So, I was there at the bar, she started to dance with me, she left, she kept staring at me while she was with this guy, and suddenly she came and started to kiss me, she was so hot, wasn’t wearing a bra and her nipples were hard, I felt them while she was kissing my neck. She kissed me for a minute or two, all my friends were with their mouths open and laughing. F was laughing too… but I wasn’t drunk, I was sober enough to realize he didn’t like it. I didn’t look for the kiss but I accepted it, as if any of them would say no to her, so, why would I say no or stop kissing her?

Since a while ago, F started to tell me he likes me a lot, and he would like to settle down with me, he told me he wanted me to have his kids, (crazzzzyyyyyy!) I’m 25 and not thinking in babies for a while, thank you very much. But he is older and I also like him. But we are not together anymore, however he keeps saying it every time we see each other. But yesterday, he told me he couldn’t watch me doing those things anymore, I said it was just a kiss and she gave it to me, I didn’t look for her. He didn’t care, and then I started to cry, because I felt safe with him, as with N, they both knew it, and they accepted me, they both loved me because of who I was, so I cried and I cried right next to him and when he realized he started to apologize, he said he was stupid, and he loved me, he didn’t want to hurt me, and that I shouldn’t listen to him, that he was being stupid, very stupid. But I heard him, clear and out loud.  We didn’t mention that conversation again, not yesterday at dinner, not today at breakfast. We spent the night together but nothing happened, I didn’t want to, not because of this, because of other stuff: sometimes I feel I love him and I want to be with him forever, sometimes he can be an asshole, and I can be an asshole too. So we are not meant to each other, but we love each other, that happen sometimes.

I’ve been dating an amazing guy for the last 3 months, M. M as me. And he is awesome, I love being with him, he is sweet and he cares about me, he wants to make me happy all the time, at least he tries, and I want to make him happy, very happy. So now I know I cant tell him, at least not now, not for a while, maybe never. Maybe he will figure it out, and he would not like it, maybe he couldn’t  live with it, because love stories never mention what happens when the princess realize she likes the maid more than the prince.

Even if I’ve been listening to a bunch of songs that claim liking girls is okay, reading a lot of comments from people that say: ‘don’t be ashamed! Embrace it’,  I can tell is not, not yet, I hope in the future it will, because I don’t only like girls, I like boys too, I like men, but apparently some men cannot understand that, and cannot understand that is not about liking this or that person, is about what you feel for them. I like M, I wouldn’t hurt him. I like him too much, but liking girls is also part of me, as liking hockey is part of him. Something you can’t change, and no one should try to change it.

Submitted to ArtParasites by Mima