love

Has Anyone Ever Told You That It’s Okay To Never Move On?

Photography by Anastasia Kuba

Photography by Anastasia Kuba

The air had the usual smell of anticipation, of a million things to be done, of passing by everyday acquaintances, and of her voluminous hair left too long without care. There she was, sipping on her coffee, with a note or two in her bruised hands, and a mind still stuck on what he did to her. “Move on”, don’t throw it at her her for she has known that all this while. Not that she doesn’t want to, but she can’t. She tells me, he just left. How? He just sent her a text on whatsapp, “I don’t think it’s working out with you the way it should. And I’ve found someone else.” And 3.5 years of her life suddenly meant nothing. She couldn’t even cry for she felt so hollow inside with the realisation of her world that came crashing down at her already heavy bones with a whatsapp text.

An year has passed but he is still the centre of her universe while she’s isn’t even the periphery of his. She would’ve broken down while talking about him, but know she makes conscious effort to keep herself together. She doesn’t want to have love, anger, hatred, expectation, or anything at all for that man. Good faces can’t make you feel good. And hungry hands can feed on your soul. While he is nowhere to be seen, he sits inside her head like a monster growing under one’s bed. If she does well, she’s somewhere trying to prove to herself that she’s better than him. If her fate runs her into a potential partner, that partner exists in association to him, never as an independent entity. She doesn’t love him, but she has internalised him like the scent of her soul, and letting go of the marrow to one’s bones, is often fatal.

I’m clouded by own fears and experiences as I hear her say these words. I won’t say anything for I don’t want to give her any momentary conviction or comfort, for her demons will encircle her, the moment I leave, and it will be harder. I didn’t hug her. I didn’t hold her hand. I didn’t offer a word of understanding.
All I said was, “Don’t move on, maybe?” 
The more we try to control ourselves consciously, the more gripped we are by our unconscious desires and impulses. It’s true that things are often in our control and we can choose the thoughts we put inside our head, but at times, we don’t even know it, but we don’t really want to move on. At times, we’re going through pain voluntarily. Till then, we have to just go with the flow, make peace with our unrequited love, and wait for it to get easier. We just have to wait to be ready with every atom in our body because when we will be ready, when we will really want to let go, it’ll be effortless. It won’t be as hard as it sounds now. And warn you, that day might never come, you might never want to let go. But you’ll learn to live with it. You’ll remember him as a lesson, he will still sit inside your head but in a remote corner with no control over the significant parts of your brain, over the invincible parts of your existence. At times, you need to close your eyes and tell yourself, “Maybe, it’s okay, to never move on.”
And that will be enough.
-Written by Avnika Gupta