Yousuf had been dating a woman for a year, time after which she could no longer emotionally respond to him, because he is fat. “Isn’t it slightly marvellous, how we reverse our own system of societal logic?”, he asked with a smirk.
I am fat – and that is a physical state of being. Now, it seems to have simply no implications on my immediate surrounding’s physical reaction to me. Equal number of good mornings when I walk past somebody, equally physically disregarded on occasions as any one of you, and equal interest in my necklines and underneaths shown.
“I am sad, she left. She shouldn’t have. We had something special to build on. But, I’m not bothered. What bothers me is not any “hypocrisy” lying behind the emotional unavailability towards me. Because there isn’t any hypocrisy, really”, he said.
It isn’t as if the person standing in front of you isn’t enjoying the sexual experiences. If they weren’t, they wouldn’t repeat. It also isn’t as if you are physically unattractive – that again is a purely hormone driven concept. What it really is, in his words, is – “For them – for us, these emotions of love, loyalty, commitment, compatibility and public appearances, are all about Acceptability. We’ve conditioned ourselves to the likes and dislikes of a conglomerate of others, and we decide parameters for others too. All this education, this open-mindedness and liberality that we seek – is actually, bullshit. We don’t stand by it. Really. I’m not bitter, I’m just telling you because that’s how it is. This, being FAT – is the same as being of some other caste than her’s, some other religion – you know, just not being what the society is demanding of her, orit being a Physical state, is the first thing that meets the eye – hence the simplest to deliberate upon, or to chose not to.”
I remember how it used to be at school for me. Raju bhai was a generous man. He never charged an extra penny for the cloth that he spent on stitching my extra pleats. Wearing a bigger skirt was just like not wearing a trouser, like the boys. Or a tunic, like the seniors.
“I am not going to stand for some “Fat people’s right to love and be loved right back”, he says with a laugh. ”I don’t wish to delve into those superficial philosophies. My tragedies are just the same as any skinny under-weighted boy. I’ve been loved enough. I know another human mind, another human heart is capable enough to invest emotions in me,just as much as I in her. You deal with different ideologies, with different lifestyles, different upbringings, different family values – that’s where the work should really be. On different waist sizes? Yeah maybe run the mile together. Or maybe don’t. Talk about it, or maybe don’t. It shouldn’t become so much of an agenda that each morning I have to wake up to her saying, “Good Morning, I am Fat”, and before I say I love you, she’s , if she’s getting cramped in the bed every time I sleep next to her, talk – tell, share – yeah maybe – you know? Don’t make me feel like I had an opportunity to abandon you each time your bones stuck into my flesh, piercing my skin – or maybe each time you didn’t look good in orange!“
Yousuf asked me how I feel about being Fat.
“I don’t feel fat about being Fat.”, I said.
Submitted to ArtParasites by Yousuf & Alisha