pain

Conversations With The Man Who Wanted Us To Be Friends After He Molested Our Common Friend

Painting by Anna Bocek

Painting by Anna Bocek

Age 7
When the house help tied me down and shoved his dick in me.
I cried for days trying to wash away the bruises off my body.
The stench of his skin on me.
My lips…crimson wound
My thighs scratched
My chest bitten red and blue
Me… nailed like crucification.
But sometimes you can’t wash away the guilt on your soul.
“I love you” he said
From that day in I could never trust love.

10
When my cousin brother just lay on me because he felt comfortable
He was 16
I tried to push him but I was too weak
I just lay there whimpering.

11
When my cousin SISTER decided to put her tongue down my throat
And push her hand in my crouch
Yup! I was just as shocked as you are.

11 and a half
When the same cousin brother started pinching my nipples while I was sleeping.
I got up in a start and yelled in frustration and walked away.
No one said anything.

At this point the man who molested my guy friend  said
“But I didn’t have any sexual intention,ya!”

Sigh
To which I replied.

12
When a boy at school, our if the blue started yelling at me out
“Of course your mother burned herself in front of you
Look at you
You’re a freak
No one can ever love you.
Just like your FUCKING suicidal mother.”

Abuse is abuse.

13
When I was crossing the road with my friend
And a milk man on his cycle came and pressed my boob and cycled along.
It left me aghast.

14 till now
For every man who’s followed me,
eve teased me,
Made inappropriate sexual gestures
Raped me with their eyes
Or even felt me up in a crowded place
I bet there was no “sexual intention”
They just wanted to see how far things could go.

So the man tried to touch me and I moved.
He said, “you’re scared if me now”

Ha! I laughed and said
After been so damaged
So broken
So..everything
The only thing I could do now was not be quiet!

17
Standing in a queue for a railway ticket
It was raining and I was a listening to music, minding my own business
When I could feel something poking my back.
I ignored it.
As you know every girl should!
But it continued
And I started getting annoyed
So I turned around and I see this skinny little man wearing this huge oversized raincoat and he was masturbating behind my back.

Now in this situation what I find bizzare
Is not that it’s crowded and there’s a man was literally, shagging on my back
But the goddamn smirk on his face

I could see my whole past flash before my eyes
From every boy to every man,
From every girl to every woman
Who has ever touched, felt or ripped my skin
And left me bare under acid rain.

I yelled with tears rolling down my cheeks
With pain exploding like firecrackers on new years
With cops actually saying
“Mar de dale ko!” (Beat the fool!)
His grin not a grin anymore.

I am not scared
I have been beaten,
I have been Bullied
I have been Torn apart
I have been burnt and out if the ashes like a phoenix rises…I rise
Stronger… More powerful.
Now, I can stand for every female and male who cannot.

I was never asking for it
No one was ever asking for it
So no, we cannot be friends.

Written by Natasha Noel