pain

A Stalker’s Confession

Photography by  Hannah Altman

Photography by Hannah Altman

My name is…it doesn’t matter. For her I’m just a lil-psycho-anon. A stalker.

I’m not. My name, though, my face, my existence in particular, is of no big importance to her. I’ve been stalking her for so long. I have to. I do so years now and my only reason is just to check whether she’s doing ok. I ain’t getting involved with her private life, whatsoever. Ι just like checking up on her.

I’m her dark knight. She never was alone in the darkness. She always had me and I’ll be by her side, no matter what. I’m a silent protector, the one she needs, that she’ll need…eventually, I guess, perhaps…someday. I had only one pure love in my life but I let her go, for her own good, and she has a wonderful life right now. So, I guess, that’s worth it. She was unique. She always brought out the other side of me, that’s all. All I feel now is eternal gratitude for being the one and only that stared into my abyss and she didn’t run away. This is my way of thanking her for accepting me and if she ever needs help, l’ll be there, even if it means that I’ll be stalking her for the rest of my life. I’d never admit love, though. I feel also regret about everything, about what happened and about that girl. The way I made her hate me…I never meant to ruin our relationship, but, it happened. Maybe it was bound to happen. However, Ι always told her I am a human trash. I made some vows that I broke along the way. I broke plenty of them, to be honest, like I’d never betray her and I did. Eventually, I broke not only my vows, our vows, but also her.

Now, she hates me. Or at least I think she does. If she didn’t hate me, she’d have given me a phone call or something all these years, she’d try to check up on me. We just don’t talk anymore. She is in her own world and I’m right here. Life goes on, wondering what could have been. Let’s face the truth, I want her back. If i didn’t, why would I stalk her but to get into a relationship with her again? We’d have to talk things out first, nonetheless, and maybe she isn’t the girl I knew. Maybe she no longer has all the attributes for a relationship. Maybe I am not enough for her.

Thing is, what if all these nasty things have to happen and the person who stays even through all that is the one? Through sickness and health, good and bad days, and so on. Maybe there is a deeper meaning in these vows. Soul mates die? Do they simply stop to exist? What’s the definition of a soul mate? If he broke your reality apart once, do you come to hate that person? A soulmate is someone you have a very deep connection. It is not always easy explained. It is a meeting of mind, heart, body and soul on the highest of levels. Communication is at its easiest, as they understand you perfectly, and accept you completely with no judgements. Sometimes you do whatever it takes for the people you love. After all, if you dont…you simply didn’t ever love them.

Someone asked me why haven’t I moved on all these years.  I really don’t know. Trust issues? Maybe I had what I was looking for and I lost it? Regret? Self-punishment? I had flirts since then but I prefer staying away from relationships. They never work. I compare them to her every single time. She wasn’t perfect..I doubt she even loved me, too. If she was and if she did, she would still be with me. True love is endless. I guess, she was faking it. I think I’m unable to be fully loved but still, no one is perfect. I wasn’t either but our imperfections combined made an awesome couple. If only we were still together…Oh, well, it depends on how we were on many things to be honest. Maybe she isn’t the girl she was. Maybe she is better or worse, I’ll never know. So, I’m living as best as I can. The girl that loved me would have wanted that. Truth is, I’m afraid of that girl nowdays. I mean she really got to know me well and she was my girlfriend for a long time. Apparently she was a big psycho, as well, with big brains, so I had to take several measures to shield myself ’cause you never know. For example, if I’d get stabbed or with my life ruined in a few seconds. She can hurt me but I dont know whether she will or not. She is a lunatic. She is a psycho like me and maybe she wants revenge. She has her own ways, probably she got trained as an assassin or something. She loves me. I know she does. She’s just in pain of what happened to her soul and I am the one to blame.

It was a difficult time and it’s normal for people to make mistakes and if I didn’t make any effort to be a good guy for her, we would have had ended our relationship long before it actually did. On the other hand, I evolved. People get better usually, so I evolved a person that’s not that weak loser it was once. Now, as I look back at it all, I really don’t remember how she looked like or stuff already. There is only one thing I remember of her and that’s enough.

If I was in a room with all the people I fell in love with in my life, I would definitely choose her to be in my life again, the one I owe an apology and I would apologize to, if I could, but my heart is pounding so loudly when just the thought of her in front of me tears apart every single breath of me and shatters my words that I can no longer speak…and I’m afraid, of losing her, again. Perhaps afraid of losing whatever is left. Illusions are a good thing, you know, sometimes.

Submitted to ArtParasites by Cassiopeia Rassa