A Moving, Poetic Spell For All Those Who Think They Can’t Love Again

Painting by  Serge Marshennikov

Painting by Serge Marshennikov

To my first love:
You never loved me back, you only pretended to.
I understand yet it still hurts. I am healing, don’t worry.

To the 24-yr old guy who kissed me at 13:
You shouldn’t have; not even though the moment seemed perfect to you.
I was never into you and when you pressed your lips against mine, I felt disgusting.
Thinking about your tongue in my mouth made me sick everyday for that entire month.
My first love was supposed to be my first kiss. I hate you for spoiling it for me.

To the guy I was in a relationship with for 4 years to get over my first love:
I am sorry. I am sorry you made me your reason for living. I am sorry you thought we were for ever.
I am sorry I moved out of the city and never called you again.

To my best friend whom I did not fall in love with:
I am sorry you loved me so dearly and I did not feel the same towards you.
I am sorry I could not help you complete your dream of growing old with your high school sweetheart.
I hope you are over it and are ready to be friends again. I miss you buddy.

To the guy who thought his love and care could heal me:
Sweetheart, I will always be grateful to you for pouring all your love and care into my cracks and trying to build me up.
You caressed the marks on my body like they were contour lines on your canvas.
But love, the thing is you only saw me as someone broken and never stopped repairing me.
I did not need repairing. Sometimes broken is still whole, just with cracks.

To the guy I lost my virginity to:
I am sorry I did not cuddle with you after the intercourse. I really wanted to be alone cause I had realized in that moment how much I was still hurt from my first heartbreak.
I wished he were the one to take my virginity away. I hate cuddling, still do.

To the colleague who forcefully made out with me when I was drunk:
Dear mother fucking asshole, because of you I trusted all my make friends a little less. You made me feel weak and vulnerable and I had sleepless nights cause of you. You made me wish, for the first time in my life, only if I were a boy.
I hope your mother is proud of you as you got my job after I left the city.

To the girl I went out with:
Your were the softest lips ever and you made me feel good about myself. Thanks for all the flowers and cards you still send.
Men need to learn how to treat women from you.

To the drunk guy who assaulted me on my first day in a new city at 2a.m.:
You did not scare me. I came home at 3a.m. the next day.
And no, I am not a bitch for working hard and earning my own money to be independent; none of us are.
And no, I am not asking for anything when I wear clothes of my choice.

To the guy I was engaged to for a week:
I really thought we could be happy when you popped the question. But honestly, I was not ready. I needed to heal fully first.
And yeah, tell your aunt, I did not have any ego cause I earned my own money. I just knew a little more than the things she had learned while cleaning her husband’s house.

To the guy who called me at 3a.m. and begged me to come home:
Sweetie, I lost my way back when I watched you kiss my best friend, the way you kissed me.
I had almost healed. But then I left the city.
I felt unimportant. You made me feel worthless.

To the girl I finally learnt to love; to me:
You are not ‘not enough’ cause he did not love you back.
You are not a bitch for doing what you wanted to do. I am glad you have realized this life is yours and you can do whatever you want.
I am glad you fixed yourself. You, my darling, are a fucking movement and you can change the world.
I am happy you are finally in love and feel complete in a true sense.You are important to me.
Thanks for not leaving me alone.

Submitted to ArtParasites by Samruddhi Kokate