Photography by Kourtney Roy

Tonight, sky was painted in the finest hue of aquamarine, bright stars forming pattern of a roman deity showing up clearly in the winter sky. I was sitting on a bench waiting for her to arrive, staring aimlessly at the stars and the people around.

As, she arrived I was spellbound; lured by her magnificent eyes. Neither sexy nor hot; she just looked spectacular in her own way. Her long curled eyelashes, curly hair, thin baby lips, nude nails, white skin; she looked no less than a deity. I held her hand in mine, my fingers found their own space and we walked on the lonely road cherishing every moment. While walking down the road, we blabbered about all we used to know; exploring each other’s kind.

||She was not the first lady in my life, I had various flings before with aesthetically attractive women. But, she was the one who was effortlessly making me flutter around her.||

She induced a certain kind of craziness inside of me that I would do anything just to see her happy. I was happily exploring a part of me about whose existence I had never thought of.

“Hell! I am not supposed to think about any girl like this”, my mind intervened my flowing thought pattern.

A person like me who was allegedly mad about life and his passion, couldn’t afford to strive against god’s blessing( which was my melodious voice)  and fall into the vivacious trap of love. I had surrendered myself to the light of god- music: my maiden, my love.

||I was a vagabond guy and a Casanova for beautiful girls. Women for me were god’s potent yet beautiful creation and I loved exploring each of it’s kind. ||

The last I remember was three days back, when I had a causal sex with an appealing lady having beautiful assets which I couldn’t resist admiring. But since the time I had met this majestic girl with ‘long curly eyelashes’, I had deviated all my spare time to her. I had started behaving abnormal, we would sleep together my arm being her pillow, I would help her with dishes, would style her hair, would kiss her cheeks, play with her, lay down on her side after a tiring day. I was certainly behaving abnormal.

One fine night, as I was caressing her breasts, biting her earlobe and moving my body towards the center of her axis, she asked me a question, which came like a dagger and moved our lives in a violent wind of turmoil.

“Do you love me?” she asked vehemently.

||This chaotic question of her landed in an unsettled manner. There was a huge turbulence inside of my head. I was afraid of losing her and at the same time I was not able to accept my love for her. I had never felt this miserable.||

“I do but see I don’t want to accept it”, I mumbled nervously.

“But, why?“ she threw a puzzled look at me.

“I wanted to make her understand that I was a vagrant guy and she was as pious  as a morning prayer. I just can’t promise to be by her side even if i want to. My profession, horrific childhood experience was the reason. I had always lived alone, been lonely and I had to travel states, I just can’t take any responsibility. I am afraid of responsibilities. What if she became my weakness? What if I can’t live without her? What if she left me like everyone did ?- This was my escapism.
I was aware of her answers, so I just twisted my point as I couldn’t let her go.”

Wait for the right time. Let’s wait for the right time. I will soon take you on a date with me- you and me.

Photography by Kourtney Roy

She planted an unsettled kiss on my lips simultaneously leaning against me as she was exhausted. By now, I could feel love growing inside of her and I was scared.

|| It was for the first time in my life, I was sailing in two different boats of ‘Transformation and Origin’, hard to decide who was who and there was a deep fall in between.||

I started drifting myself apart from her. It didn’t come naturally, I compelled myself to do so – I won’t come to see her, visit her place; even if I do so, I would sit quietly in a corner or get into a fight with her, so that she hates me for whatever I was being to her. She got worried and acted vulnerable in front of me as I stopped reciprocating her responses. I had started seeing other girls; getting back to my normal routine. I would tell her about how I much enjoyed with every girl I met.

She usually felt sad yet she was there with me enthusiastically pushing me beyond my horizon. It was really difficult for me as i had etched her potentials deep inside of me, so that they had no effect on me anymore. But, she never left my side and I was in a constant guilt.

—— 1 month later————–

As, I was back to my normal life; lost in my various flings of exploration.  Few nights made me realize that no one had ever dared to refill my potential the way she did and I could see how empty she is growing without me.
The feeling of compassion like a poison had started hitting me long back when I left her. But, today it totally controlled me and I felt for what I did to myself and her, just to keep my heart inside of a veil. I wandered here and there for my peace but it was all inside of her.
The all that I could do was stooping low and be submissive in front of her.

“Hey! I am sorry? I just didn’t know what to do. So, I just left.”
“I’m happy that you are back”, she hugged me tightly.

The potential she used to drive inside of me; was filling me once again. But this time, I had accepted that I was in love with this girl with ‘long curly eyelashes’.

And once again I was looking at the aquamarine painted sky, but today stars didn’t form any pattern, as she was lying next to me, more beautiful and powerful than any deity, fulfilling me with every passing second.

We never did promise each other of marrying, having kids or writing letters. But, deep inside of me was known to the fact that she was my ‘forever’.

Now, as she was lying next to me, making me feel complete; i realised that:

“How passionately we let an emotion grow.
How carelessly we kill it with a single blow”

—

 Written by Sagrika Kissu

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