pain

A Letter To Anorexia

Painting by  Fernando Vicente

Painting by Fernando Vicente

Dear Ana,
You isolated me from the world when i needed it the most. I was looking for a way to escape my life, my body and you showed me the way out. We’ve been through so much together, it would be a lie to say that I am not grateful for your presence in my life. You made me feel safe and secure when I was under social pressure that society imposes. You helped me to pull away from unknown situations, the situations i didn’t know how to escape from.
You kept your word and held to your promise, I have never accepted even a small amount of imperfection. What i have realised is that those ‘memories’ are fake.  I have never really felt secure, it was always fear. Big amount of fear. Fear from friends and the Society which was deeply etched in me, fear from rejection and inability to be any less than “perfect”, fear from being average. You were always there, making me feel successful…
I thought no one could understand us, no one could understand our relationship, our rituals and our rules. You separated me from all the things that could have allowed personal growth and development and made me regress in so much fields in my life.
School became a hassle,anxiety and fear, something I stopped caring about. Of course you didn’t allow me to have any friends, spend time with my family and our actually live a life.The things i loved and enjoyed were banned, I wasn’t allowed to go out in the world because there were people, they were a distraction in our relationship. I guess in some weird way it empowered me.All i need to do is obey and be this thinnest perfection you created, always aiming for more and more. Of course i could not defy you, you became my life. Every day, every second you were there, every morning when i was running up to the scale praying for numbers to be lower than yesterday.
Numbers, they were my best friend and worst enemy.I look at the mirror with dismay, feeling the fat that isn’t there and smile when i come across a bone.You were there when i make the plan for the day and then our thoughts become a blur, than our thoughts become the same. You follow me throughout the day, at school when my thoughts wander away you give me something to think about.
Counting calories for the day, it’s always too much. You fill my mind with thoughts of food, calories, weight. The only things that are safe to think about. It isn’t about the food anymore, now you’re telling me what to do all the time, you are in charge, you have the power and control over me. You make me feel like a slice of salad is a feast for a King. When i stare at the mirror with dismay, you show me obesity instead of a starving child over there. I want to be happy. You keep telling me i don’t deserve it, I am not skinny enough, yet. You make me think no one will love me, unless i suffer as much as I can because that is what i deserve. You make me feel like I will become better and better as I keep losing weight, because that is something mine, unique, the only thing making me worth of my existence. I would love to tell you no, to let you down. I would love to be free and loved some day, enjoy life,feel free to eat and skip exercise without feeling tremendous amount of guilt. I don’t want to feel like I am dying or wanting to die.

I want to stop worrying other people and be judged every time i refuse food. Every day i feel like I am slowly disappearing, you are winning this battle where you’re getting my identity. “Getting” as if you do not own anyway.

You keep promising things will be different. I know it’s an illusion and you do not care. You make me harm myself in so many ways.

You took everything from me so you were the only thing left in the world. You were nice at the beginning, drawing me into that world and taking everything from me, I wasn’t even noticing, I was blindsided by the perfection you were offering. I couldn’t leave our abusive relationship, where i was abused for being too attached.

I realized that the Society I was aiming to please will never actually be happy. There will always be ‘flaws’ and laughing behind my back.

The most important thing is making yourself happy, feeling happy and satisfied in your body, whatever size it is. But how do you do that? How do you love yourself?